I promise I'm not dead

I realize I haven't posted in a while, and I want to reassure you all that I am not dead. I have had a rather tough month or so though. I had antibiotic resistant step and spent one week denying I was sick, one week on antibiotics that didn't work, a few days @ a conference with no antibiotics, and a week and half on antibiotics that do work. On top of all that, my computer died, twice. I ended up having to rebuild the system and start over. I have been installing software all week and am just getting back into the swing of things.

When I first started to get sick there were two weeks left in my class. I taught it anyway even though I was running a fever and could barely stand up without passing out. Finals were rough. I couldn't estimate the proper length because I was so sick that everything was taking longer than normal. My exam ended up being too long, but I curved it and it all worked out okay. The day I posted grades I was running 102 F and almost passed out twice. I had to come in though because the exams were here and I needed to talk to my TAs. That was also the day of our advisory committee meeting, but I managed to convince my chair that it would be a really bad idea for me to attend. During this time, I also did two oral candidacy exams (what was I thinking!).

After finals, I went to a two day conference. It was horrible. I don't know why I didn't cancel, but I was an invited speaker and I didn't think about sending a student instead or any of my other options. I pretty much spent all my time nearly passed out in my hotel room, venturing out for the required talks and lunches (etc.). After the conference, I spent two weeks on my sofa (with my new meds).

Although this sounds completely horrible (and I guess it was), two good things came out of it.

(1) After spending two weeks on a sofa not going into work and not responding to any emails (my computer had died by this time), I discovered that life can proceed without me @ work! Although there were plenty of things that I probably should have done, but didn't, my students seemed to get on okay and my colleagues weren't really bothered.

(2) I spent my time listening to the Twilight books on tape series and it was amazing! Actually, this led me to a deeper realization, which is that I work too hard. Since I got better, I have been more careful about the obligations that I accept. I have been saying no a lot, and I have been making more time for myself.

Note that I said myself and not my family or personal life. This whole incident made me realize that I spend too much time trying to please others. I work hard at my job and try hard to make my students happy (research and classroom), to make my chair happy, to make my colleagues happy. I also try hard at home. I work hard to be a good wife and mother, despite all the help that I have, I spend most of my time doing tasks and chores. I have very little time to myself, for my own pleasure, and two weeks on the sofa doing something that was completely pleasurable and not an obligation was definitely what I needed.

And in the midst of all this misery (and self-discovery)....I got an NSF grant funded! So life is...good.