Dr. Mom, My Adventures as a Mommy-Scientist

Better but not BETTER

2011-09-26T16:16:00.003-04:00

So I finished chemo August 9th and started radiation in late August. Radiation is much easier to handle than chemo but it is everyday. So I can only work 5-6 hours on campus before my appt. Also, although I dont need as much sleep as I did with chemo, I still need more than normal, so my ability to work at night is limited. This leads to some problems.

I look "better". I am at work everyday. I have a near normal energy level. So people have started to add tasks to my list again. Because I was feeling better, I took on more of these tasks, but as the rubber starts to meet the road, it has become clear that *I am not all the way better*.

Last Monday we had our departmental retreat. Sunday night I found myself a basket case trying to figure out how I was going to accomplish 5 tasks that all had to be done and attend this retreat. I ended up calling in sick on Monday, sleeping in, and getting 1-2 of the tasks done, which made me feel much better.

I want to be better, to do my share in the department, and to contribute to the university, but the truth is that there are still limits to what I can do. I need to remember this.

Other than that, I am starting to get back into the swing of things. I've submitted 3 proposals in the last few months and a couple papers. So that's good, and my scans still show no recurrence so treatment is working.....

Update

2011-08-23T18:10:00.000-04:00

Some of you have asked for an update...so here goes. I finished chemo two weeks ago (yay!). I start radiation in a week and that will continue for 6 weeks. Then I have a break for a few months before reconstruction surgery.

That's the semantics, but how am I really doing? Actually well. One nice thing about this job is that there is plenty to keep you busy. I have written and submitted several papers and am currently working on several grants.Tenure is official so you can call me an Associate Professor now.

There are many things that have come up in the last few months that I would love to talk about here, but in the interest of time, I will list some and provide only short comments.

Why am I treated differently for having cancer than women who have babies? I didn't have nearly the same problems getting people to take over my classes etc. as some of my pregnant colleagues.
Why am I not getting invited for external seminars? Is it cancer related? or am I not networking hard enough. And how do you get invited for external seminars anyway? Is it appropriate to ask?
Why do my papers in this one field keep getting rejected? I have some research in a new area and it is like pulling teeth to get papers published in this field. I don't know many of the key players and this may be why, but still, *someone* new has to publish there eventually.

I guess that's not much, but some short comments for now.

Chemo Report #3

2011-05-05T15:15:00.000-04:00

So chemo #3 did not go as well as #1 and #2. It's probably my fault. Instead of being good and resting the week of my treatments I tried to come in and work Th and F afternoon, so no naps as usual. Unfortunately, this resulted in my being really sick all weekend. I was really, really nauseous. The kind of nauseous where even someone's cologne smell's bad and makes you want to retch. Spent most of the weekend with all the doors and windows open trying to air out the house.

Good news is by yesterday I was definitely feeling better. Better news is I only have one more of that particular treatment left and then I switch to a different drug with different side effects that do not include nausea.

Work is still going amazing. I really don't understand how my lab and my research have chosen this moment to become super-productive, but I'll take it. We have now been contacted by three different companies about licensing technologies. We have 2-3 papers in the mill that are likely to be high impact. I just came up with an awesome grant proposal idea that I can't wait to submit. So things are good.

One of the things that I am spending a lot of time thinking about lately is how to avoid being a one-hit wonder. We have had one technology that is really successful and are currently working through the derivative and application papers that go along with that. We will be able to do that for the next few years, but I need to start thinking about what we will do next. And in the spirit of my previous post, I want to work on the challenging but important problems, but figuring out what those are is half the battle.

Chemo Report #2

2011-04-21T16:11:00.000-04:00

So pretty much recovered from Chemo infusion #2 of 4, before switching to a different drug. Better than the last time, but still not my favorite thing to do. Basically down for 2-3 days, then able to work after that.

Apart from the chemo, my research is really kicking into gear. I got contacted by *another* company interested in licensing my technology, for a home pregnancy test no less. More exciting research results have been rolling in. Is it not a little bit troubling that my lab seems to run itself better when I am gone half the time?

Actually one possible contributing factor to this success may be the promotion and hiring of a postdoc to a research scientist position. I have dumped off a lot of the day to day administration to him and this seems to help my own productivity tremendously. Plus, my students have a contact point that is available pretty much constantly to resolve small lab issues. All in all things are good...

Chemo Report #1

2011-04-09T12:10:00.000-04:00

So nearly 2 weeks ago I had my first chemo infusion. It went a lot better than I thought. I was pretty tired for the first 2-3 days but then progressively better until the last few days I have actually felt nearly as good as before my surgery. In fact, felt so good I went to work everyday this week. So, I guess moral of the story is that chemo does not keep you from working.

Downsides, yes I am tired and I do have to rest sometimes. We are putting a sofa in my office to facilitate this. A major effort to move all the furniture around and I am grateful to everyone involved. Also, they give you steroids to keep your immune system up while you are doing chemo and unfortunately the high doses made me so ADHD I couldn't concentrate on anything for more than 5 minutes. I can't be sure having never tried it, but have to imagine it is akin to being on speed or something, while at the same time being drunk (tired). Kind of a weird feeling.

The most ironic thing of all of this is that this is the time that my research has chosen to take off. I just got tenure. we published our second very high impact paper this year. People have been really excited about it. I have been featured in several news articles and was recently on a podcast talking about this work. Two different companies have commercial interest in the technology. Apart from that, all of experiments seem to be coming together right now and data is flying out of my lab. All good things of course, but ironic that this is all happening while I am somewhat sidelined. I guess when you set up a good lab system, it really can run itself for awhile.

Let's go all the way with research.

2011-03-25T11:36:00.000-04:00

So, I have been involved in research for nearly 15 years now. I have read and written a lot of papers. I have been to a lot of conferences, and I have attended countless seminars. Today, I want to challenge each of you to take your research beyond the easy paper and go all the way. What do I mean by this? Well, our group has been doing cancer research (mostly brain) for the last 3-4 years. We have focused primarily on the "easy" papers. I throw some materials/drugs at some cells, look at how they respond, and write a nice paper summarizing my results. The cells are probably transformed cells, not real patient cells, so who knows how well this research would translate into the clinic, and honestly probably don't care just want that next paper to put on my CV.

I met with my lab a few days ago and told them that this is bulls**t. I don't want to do easy research anymore. I want to go all the way. I want to do the hard research, the stuff that takes years, that no one wants to touch because they don't even know where to begin, the stuff that matters. Let's take an example. OK. So let's say we publish a paper that says material X causes tumor cells to migrate faster. I can publish that paper. I can build a whole career on papers exactly like that, but what I have I actually done to make cancer better? Jack squat! Now, what if after observing that material X has this property, I publish a follow-up paper identifying factor Z as the main reason that the cells move faster. Then examine what parts of the cell specifically interact with factor Z, identify which genes/proteins are involved in those interactions, and try to find drug targets to block them? The latter is a lot harder, but that is the work that truly matters.

We are going to start doing the hard work that really matters. I challenge you to do the same.

Post Apocalypse (Oh and BTW I got tenure)

2011-03-24T16:44:00.000-04:00

Well, yesterday I chopped all my hair, and I have to say not as bad as I thought. I look okay bald, actually quite butch. If I got a nose ring and some leather, I could totally pull that look off. Also, doesn't look too bad with a hat; the wig however is an absolute disaster. It looks like a cross between Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson all while having the appearance of being totally fake. What's up with these ladies that have such awesome wigs!!! Mine looks awful! I am going to send it to my stylist to try to get it rehabilitated tomorrow, but in the meantime, I guess its just hats.

On another note, which I should be a lot more excited about, my tenure is officially through. My husband asked what I want to do to celebrate and I said I just want a wig that doesn't make me look like a street walker. I guess I can use that raise to get a new one?

Chopping My Hair

2011-03-19T12:07:00.000-04:00

So, met with the oncologist last week and chemo will be starting in about a week. I will go to the hair dressers this week and chop my hair off. It is long enough that I can have a wig made from it, but that takes two months so I will also get another 1or 2 ready made wigs for the short term. I will be getting chemo for 5 months. Out of all the things that have happened to me so far or will happen in the future, I think the thing that bothers me the most is the hair. I mean if a guy is bald, it's a look. If a girl is bald she is either mentally ill or has cancer. And although the wigs are really good, you can't wear it all the time. At some point I will have to look in the mirror and see myself bald. Argh!

On the positive side, with chemo (and not including radiation which I will also get), my odds are 90% for survival (so it will ultimately be higher). On the academic positive side, I have no service or teaching requirements right now. So other than resting and Dr's appts, I am sitting around working on proposals and papers. I think my research productivity is about the same as before. So I guess that means time spent on cancer = teaching + service. I think I may be doing too much teaching and service (or at least was before).

Where I've been

2011-03-13T17:16:00.000-04:00

So a couple of you have asked if I stopped blogging. The answer to that is no...but hold on to your hats.

The initial part of my hiatus was because I decided to write 4 grants in 2 months. we have several grants expiring next year and I wanted to ensure continuity. Well, G-d blew a hole in that plan. The day that I turned in the first grant I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I am 35 years old with no family history. I had my children young, I nursed them, I was on birth control for nearly 20 years. I am practically a vegetarian. I work out 5 days a week. Sometimes there just are no answers.

It all started a few months ago when I noticed the shape of my breast had changed. My nipple became inverted. I really didn't think anything of it because that breast has always been a little odd, especially after I finished nursing my son about 5 years ago. I started doing more frequent self-exams, but didn't notice the lump until January. It was very subtle, but large. Since I do a lot of research on cancer cell mechanics I knew that it was a really bad sign.

My ob-gyn saw me the next day and said it was probably nothing, but that I should get a mammogram and ultrasound. He wasn't in a hurry so it took nearly three weeks to get in. That was the second worst day of my life. I showed up thinking that I would be there for an hour and was there for 6. The mammo showed a suspicious area so they had to do follow-ups. Then I sat there for two hours while the radiologist looked at my scans. Then I went for ultrasound and even I could see the lump on the scan. At this point, I was still hoping that it was a cyst. They told me that I needed a biopsy and 30 minutes later, I was getting not one but two (apparently there were two "suspicious areas").

Five days later they called to tell me that I have infiltrating ductal carcinoma (IDC). My pathology was a slow growing grade 1 (good news) and hormone positive (er+ pr+ ner2/neu-) which is the best possible combination. They said the tumor was about 2 cm and the second biopsy was negative. I started preparing myself for a lupectomy with maybe chemo and radiation. They said I would be fine. That I would need treatment, but would be fine.

After pulling numerous strings, I was able to get in to the chief of surgical oncology a week after my diagnosis. He dropped the first bomb on me which is that he thought the second spot was cancer too and wanted to do another biopsy on that spot. I said there are two possible outcomes: it comes back + or -. If it is positive, he said we would have to do a mastectomy. If it was -, I told him that after what he said neither he nor I would believe it. I opted to skip the second biopsy and scheduled a mastectomy.

Two weeks later, I had a mastectomy of my right breast with temporary reconstruction using tissue expanders. These hold the skin out so that I can later have a more natural tissue reconstruction, but this will have to wait until after all my other treatments, possibly a year or more. I was shocked at how good I felt after surgery and how good the reconstruction looked. Apart from the fact that I have a scar extending horizontally from my breast bone to under my armpit and no nipple, it looks almost the same size as the breast I started with. The scar will heal and a nipple can be added later.

The pathology report, which I got a week later, was the second bomb dropped on me so far. My tumor was not just two spots but three! for a ginormous total of 7 cm!!!!. A lumpectomy would not have been possible. In addition, my sentinal node biopsy was positive so they removed all the lymph nodes under my arm. A total of 2 of 35 lymph nodes are positive, which isn't many considering my large tumor size. I will definitely need radiation and chemo is very, very likely, but I am waiting to meet with medical oncology next week to confirm. Everyone is convinced that I will be totally fine, including me, but this wasn't exactly the year that I was planning to be having.

I am so grateful that I had the lump checked out, that people paid attention to my concerns, and that I have so many friends and family that support me. The day after my diagnosis four faculty in my department offered to take over my classes. I am off teaching until all my treatments are over. I am trying to work on research and have so far managed to get out 1 paper and 1 proposal. I can't just sit at home and do nothing. A lot of my personal relationships have become much deeper very quickly, and I am constantly surprised by how much I am loved.

What's in my future?

Well, I will probably have chemo for 6 months or so. I will probably lose my hair. I have found a place that can make a wig from my own hair, which is comforting, but I also plan to get a pink Lady Gaga wig, because hey, why not? And this is my chance to try all those hairstyles that I would be too nervous to try for "real". I will then have to wait a month or so and then will have radiation for 6 weeks. I will then wait another 2-4 months and have reconstructive surgery. This consists of a tummy tuck coupled with a boob job and is MAJOR surgery, requiring a 4-5 day hospital stay with a 2-4 month recovery. The tissue from the tummy is used to construct the new breast. My breasts are large so I may need tissue + implant to get to where I was before. I will then have a second surgery to add a nipple, probably using skin from my thigh. Then a final third surgery (fourth if you count the mastectomy) to even up the other side to match the new breast. This will probably take a year and a half.

What else?

Well, thank G-d I went up for tenure early. My case is nearly complete receiving unanimous votes at every step so pretty much a done deal. My lab is being run by my research scientist, which I fortuitously promoted from postdoc just before my diagnosis. I am working slowly on grants and papers. I plant to go back to work in about a week, but will be in and out depending on the treatments that I am receiving etc.

The most important thing is that I will be okay. I decided that I would be, and as far as I'm concerned that's good enough for me.

Yeah....It's Fall

2010-09-22T10:41:00.000-04:00

I have been in denial the last month, refusing to believe that my summer is over. But this morning as I walked the dog, the red leaves made it abundantly clear that it is indeed fall. Argh. I am so...not...ready. Most of my summer goals have been accomplished, but all the little things: letters of recommendation, 2 pg descriptions of research, newsletter that I edit, these are not done, and I feel the crushing weight of the academic year and wonder if I will ever again see the light of day.

The last few nights have not been pleasant. DH is still out of town so in addition to all my normal chores, I am doing his too. I totally punted on my class and had to spend much of each evening getting ready for teaching. Now, I have a few people "yelling" at me for things I promised last week...but just didn't get too. Ah yes. The school year as I remember it has arrived. Let's just hope that the enthusiasm of a new crop of students carries me through. Actually let's just hope that I can recruit some new students to the myriad of open positions that I have.And, let's hope that the leaves stay green as long as possible.

How big is too big?

2010-09-17T09:44:00.000-04:00

One of the things that I am struggling with right now is trying to figure out how big my lab group should be. I really enjoy mentoring my students one on one, and I don't think that I want to have a mega-lab, which would make this impossible. However, I keep getting pulled in new interesting research directions, especially since so much of our stuff is working.When I first started, we were working in two different research directions. Now, I can say that we probably have four. Any one of these would be enough to build a career on, but I have always enjoyed breadth over depth. I originally thought that as areas didn't work we would prune them and I would be left with a manageable amount of projects. Unfortunately, a much larger number of projects have worked than not worked, which leaves me with a vast wealth of projects. And, just when I think okay we aren't going to do X anymore, I will meet five other people who love the way I do X and want to collaborate in just the area that I need help with. Its a little maddening at times. Long story short I have no idea what I want to do with all this. My lab just seems to keep growing. I am generally happy with this, but sometimes we have so much going on that I spend all my time fighting fires and not enough doing essential tasks (writing grants, paper, getting ready for teaching). I just don't know how Mr. Big and Famous types do it.

Work-Life Balance Redux

2010-09-14T11:26:00.000-04:00

My husband is working a consulting gig right now. meaning that for the last 4-5 weeks he has only been home on the weekend. On a positive note, this has been great for my productivity. I can work as late as I want in the evening with no pressure and I have pumped out my tenure package and 3 papers in the last month.

I love my job. I really do, but after over a month, it is getting a little old. Sometimes it is an excess that shows us where our priorities lie, and as much as I have enjoyed this time to clear out my inbox, I miss my husband. Kids are great, but it is not the same. So DH, come home.

Fire in the Hole!

2010-08-30T12:28:00.000-04:00

I submitted my tenure package on Friday.

The funny thing is, I don't feel any different. It was kind of like one more thing on my to-do list that got checked off. I thought I would feel some fear or trepidation, but since I've already talked with most of my department members about this, I think I know how things will go. I also thought I might feel relief, but I don't. I guess tenure has never been that important to me in the scheme of things. My personal goals for my group are substantial enough that I would definitely get tenure if I achieved them, and we are well on our way to achieving my short list.

This kind of reminds me of "teaching to the test" in school vs. learning for the love it. I don't think about what kind of science to do, or how to present it, or the activities I will participate in based on whether or not I will get tenure. Instead I try to work on projects that are the most interesting to me, that fill a need in the field. And I try to do service activities that support my personal goals: leadership in a professional organization and bringing science to kids.By doing these things, I find that I make myself and my organization happy.

Well wish me luck. I probably won't find out until a month or so....and then not final for several more...

Do I want a job at really big U?

2010-08-23T10:23:00.000-04:00

So a little update. Things are going well, really well. I just had a fairly high impact publication and just submitted three papers to awesome journal, really cool journal, and meh its a journal. I have tons of funding and am going up for early tenure. (Yeah its okay to hate on me, I use to hate on people like this too, but read back some pasts last year and you'll see it hasn't always been this way). Suddenly, there are a number of people asking if I am interested in moving, planning to move, or unhappy at midwestern R1U. Even my husband is talking about whether or not I should "step-up".

To be clear, I am not looking for a job. I do not have any offers, former or informal, and have not even had hints of a job. I *love* midwestern R1U. It has nearly everything I need for my career to be successful. I have smart and eager collaborators, supportive colleagues (in every sense of that word), talented students, and an incredibly supportive chair. I really haven't considered leaving to this point, but, a small but persistent but, it is true that I would have more opportunities at really big U.

The students there are more likely to be on fellowship (= free) to me. They are also probably smarter, although this does not translate directly into laboratory success. I would probably have more space and easier access to funding. Downsides, I would still be near the bottom of the totem pole so teaching and service duties may not be what I would like. I also know that really big U's tend to be super-competitive and if I went there as anything less than a full professor, there could be difficulties with promotion and tenure. Often they will hire people as an Associate professor without tenure and make you apply again in a year or two after arrival. All in all, I probably wouldn't want to go to a Really Big U until I am a full professor. However, if that is a goal, not now but ever, I will need to do certain things to make that a career possibility. So, this is something that I am thinking about. What do I really want from this job?

Check this out

2010-08-02T14:27:00.002-04:00

Check this out. Click on nuturing science and watch the videos.

Choosing a PhD (or postdoc) mentor

2010-07-28T21:37:00.002-04:00

I just finished a really great article by Bruce Alberts (of Molecular Biology of the Cell fame and also Editor in Chief of Science) on how to choose a mentor. Dr. Alberts says "the exact PhD project is not nearly as important as finding the best place for learning how to push forward the frontier of knowledge as an independent investigator." i.e., learning how to be a good scientist is so much more important than the actual science performed. I have seen so many people who choose an advisor because they want to work on X, not recognizing that there will be many, many opportunities to work on X throughout their career, but really only 1 PhD mentor.

Dr. Alberts suggests that the best mentors take time to talk with their students teaching them not just how to do research, but also how to think critically about a project and present it to others from the proposal to research paper stage. When you are looking for a mentor, you should ask the students in the group how often they meet with the PI. Do they have career discussions with the PI? Have they had a chance to write abstracts, papers, grants? At what point in their training (at the very end or throughout)?

Choosing a mentor who can provide you this training is more important than almost anything else, really. You can change your research field by a few well-selected postdocs or by setting your own lab direction after your become an independent scientist, but you can never recover from poor or inadequate training. Just something to think about.

Writing good grants

2010-07-21T10:37:00.002-04:00

So I just spent the last week polishing off two proposals, which led me to think about a few things. When your proposal is reviewed you really want the reviewers to concentrate on the idea being proposed, not the writing, or the skill (or lack thereof) of the investigators, or the methods (although these are important it should be evident that you know what you are doing and how to proceed). Many of these problems can be addressed by learning good proposal writing. I have talked about this before, but thought I might revisit this topic.

One trick I have learned to conserve space is that for both NIH and NSF grants you get a project summary (or summary of aims). Use this as an intro to your grant and cut the intro section altogether (i.e., start with background and significance). Usually the material in the first paragraph of the project summary and the intro are pretty much the same anyway and this gives you an extra page.

When writing the background try to cite everyone that is relevant to the field, remembering that they could be a reviewer, and be polite. Don't say your technology is better than someone else's unless you are pretty sure that almost any independent reviewer would agree with you. Instead it could be an alternative or complementary technology. Also, many reviewers are not in your field so include enough background that any scientist in your -ology could understand what is proposed.

In the preliminary data section include a paragraph that reads... Dr. X has X years of experience with X including X publications in journals like really important journal and even more important journal. Then show the data that is most relevant to your project.

Finally, in the aims section, remember that your grant has an X year duration and whatever you propose should be likely to be completed in that time frame by the number of individuals that you propose to fund. So saying that you are going to invent a spaceship, travel to the moon, collect moon rocks, and analyze them with one student in 3 years is pretty unlikely. This is the major factor that separates more experienced grant writers from novices. (and students from PIs....see candidacy exam as evidence). Also, be very clear in your methodologies, cite as many papers as you can....we are going to do X following the method of Smith et al. This shows that you are familiar with the field and reduces the risk of experimental failure. i.e., I am following established methods.

Well....that's all for now. I am busy pushing out papers and getting my tenure package ready. I am going up early so wish me luck.

Victim of my own success

2010-05-21T09:32:00.002-04:00

As I mentioned in my last post, I realize that I have been far more MIA than I would like on this blog. A big part of the problem is that things are going so well. I am being asked to do more invited talks, be on more panels, nominated of more awards (requiring me to fill out nomination forms and to attend banquets), advise more students who are writing more papers and to participate in more grants.

OK. I know that this is a good problem to have and that all of this probably makes someone just starting crazy. Actually I met someone like this a about a year and a half ago and she drove me crazy. But it really is a problem to be too busy and have too many good things to choose from and that is where I am now.

Before I had to beg/cajole students into my group, but now they are applying in droves, and the question is how do I know who is any good? I used to have long email discourses with perspective students discussing research and papers, now I am lucky if I can send them my form letter (describes research in the lab and how many people we plan to hire etc) a month after they email me. And papers and grants, don't get me started. I haven't wrote a full NSF or NIH grant as lead PI in over a year. I am co-PI on so many other projects that require reports and 1 page descriptions of my research and slide presentation and highlights that I hardly have time to breathe. I will however write several this summer, which I really need to do. I managed to squeeze out several papers last year but the timeline from on my desk to submitted is an embarrassing 6 months or more. And because things are going well, I am being asked to do more at the university as well, from meeting with donors to lunch with the visiting speaker.

All of this is great and I realize that I will get little sympathy for this problem, but if someone could offer any advice on the transition from assistant professor just starting to associate professor with lots of projects etc. I would be grateful

Not dead yet....

2010-05-05T12:22:00.002-04:00

I can't believe it has really been January since I posted, but...well things have been very, very busy. It is unlikely that I will continue to post as regularly as I would like, but I will try. I have been saving up quite a few articles to talk about, but for today just an update.

So what's happened this term...
1) Taught a new lab course for the first time and no one blew anything up!
To be honest, I was scared to death about this course. I was worried that students wouldn't sign up. Then I was worried that too many students signed up. Then, that the reagents wouldn't arrive in time. Then all the cells died...yeah for real... and I had to scramble to find new ones. Then I got stuck in Scotland because of the volcanic ash plume for 2 weeks and my TA had to teach the class! which brings us to...

2) Stuck in Scotland trapped by Volcanic Ash Plume
When this first happened I don't think anyone believed me, but I can assure you 6 days of pub-crawling, scotch drinking later, that it was horrible to have an unplanned vacation in Scotland. I got to see highlights of surrounding regions (Loch Ness!), learn how to distill Whisky through ample tours, and all about the world of Harry Potter (JKR lives in Edinburgh). I was rudely dragged onto a stand-by flight by husband's early AM call and returned to reality.

3) Paper accepted by high impact journal!
Finally. After working on this puppy for over a year and lovingly crafting each sentence I am happy to report that it was finally, finally accepted. And...after my last count we now have 14 papers out of our lab (including reviews and peer-reviewed proceedings), which is more than enough to go up for early tenure. So yippee.

4) Lots of grants rejected
Just to show that everything is not roses here in Dr. Mom world, I did have several grants rejected, and none in fact funded in the last term. Ah well....

So as you can see I have been busy and happy and had an impromptu vacation which I am now catching up from.

Twas the day after winter break...

2010-01-05T13:13:00.001-05:00

Twas the day after winter break and all through the lab
Not a creature was stirring not even a MAb
The books were all stacked there filled with notation
but completely untouched over the long winter vacation

Perhaps the lab members were nestled all safe in their chairs
in the lab working hard, or perhaps downstairs
Sick of the omicron, the tau, the eta, the theta
everyone working hard collecting mounds of data

and then from the hallway there arose such a clatter
I ran to the lab to see what was the matter
I opened the doors to the lab with such haste
only to find the janitor and waste

I said to myself on to microscopes, to room XX1
surely students are coaxing experiments to run
but no students were found in either setting
and no students were present in the building I'm betting

The break was great fun and I know I slept late
but for G-ds sakes its 10! time to get to the microplate
I returned to my office full of faith and hope
that students might bring data from the microscope

Where are my students, my data, my charts?
oh to see each of you making fresh starts

As I returned to my office dejected and sad,
hoping that it only looked this bad,
I thought to myself and I felt very drab
winter break is over get your a** in the lab

Results of High Impact Paper Review

2009-12-17T11:12:00.003-05:00

Well I just got my a** handed to me by high impact paper reviewers. I guess I should have expected that. I mean its not like you submit to the highest journal in the land and everyone starts bowing before your academic greatness. And, I admit that when I submitted I thought it was a maybe not a definite yes or anything, but when it went out for review my hopes were lifted and...ah well.

I must say the reviewers were very good. They raised some great questions about the science that we didn't address. Some of these can be easily fixed, but others are thornier. That is where the real problem lies. They contend that even if we answer the questions, the result will be a less high impact paper. They basically disagree with our premise that this is awesome because it solves problem X. They were like yeah you might have solved X (although we're not completely convinced with the data you have), but we don't think X is such a big problem anyway.

Comes at a bad time too. The student working on this is on vacation for the holidays, so new data will not be quickly forthcoming. It will probably be a month or more before I can turn this around for a different journal. Depends on how much additional data we collect (or can collect). Oh well, I guess I'd rather have my a** handed to me by Journal of Awesome Science than Yeah, you tried that but we new it would work anyway.

If this doesn't make you spit your coffee out....

2009-12-11T09:42:00.001-05:00

Please check out this story of gender harassment. Really beyond the pale.

http://pubs.acs.org/cen/government/87/8746gov2.html

Seriously??

2009-12-07T11:21:00.002-05:00

Quote from an email this morning:

Do you have more specific requirement in race or sex? I've heard many professor don't like female students in laboratory.

I almost choked on my tea when I read this. Seriously? Seriously? Is this still a prevalent attitude anywhere? And why oh why would you ask an obviously female professor this question? It made me very sad.

The person in question is female, is applying for grad school at midwestern R1U, and is from an Asian country. We get a number of students female and otherwise from this country so I can't imaging that this is a prevalent view there, yet she still felt compelled to ask. Urgh!

I replied that I valued intellectual contributions and commitment to research more than any other attributes and that my lab is already diverse with a number of male and female students from foreign countries and the US and from a number of different ethnicities. I hope that this response puts her more at ease, but I still can't imagine feeling that my contributions might not be valued because I am a woman.

Argh!

Plagiarism

2009-12-03T10:09:00.003-05:00

Why is it that so many students must think me incapable of a simple Google search?

In most of my classes, I assign extra credit projects. (Yeah, I know I'm nice, but my exams are killer so it evens out). Typically students are given two choices: create a HW/exam question for this class or design an outreach experiment to elementary or middle schoolers on a topic from this class.

In both cases, student answers are always rife with plagiarism. HW/Exam questions are often taken directly from the text or from an alternative text. As if I am not familiar with all the texts in the field! And experiments are often copied line by line from a webpage!

Given that these are extra credit assignments, I chose to not award credit for plagiarized answers. But what about the gray area, not exactly plagiarized, a few words have been changed, but virtually identical to a webpage or book problem. For this I usually give 1/2 credit, taking off 1/2 for lack of creativity.

And to top all of this off, we have a long plagiarism discussion at the beginning of the course. Students were very careful not to plagiarize in project reports, but I guess in extra credit its okay? Ah, so frustrating.

First High Impact Paper Submitted

2009-11-18T17:25:00.002-05:00

Today was a banner day in the Dr. Mom group. I submitted two papers on the same day (yeah I know I'm pushing papers right now) and one of them was our first to a high impact journal. Keep your fingers crossed.

I tried once when I was in grad school and I was rejected. I sent my paper to just a little bit lower impact journal where it was accepted and published. So this is a relatively new experience for me. Also, even if the paper doesn't actually get in high impact factor journal the fact that we have research coming out of our lab that even *could* get into a high impact journal is a huge success. And wait for it...wait for it...we are actually preparing a 2nd paper for submission to a different high impact factor journal that should be ready soon.

Of course all of this is the culmination of three years of hard work and also much failure. It is interesting. In February, my lab was almost out of money, I hadn't had any publications in over a year, and I was contemplating Plan B. Now I have had 3 major grants funded and 2 subawards, we have had 3 research papers published, 3 are in submission, and 2 are in preparation. Just goes to show what six months can do.

Let's Talk About Personal Statements

2009-11-13T18:09:00.002-05:00

It's that time of year again! Time to submit your application to grad school, fellowships, etc. So I thought it would be a good time to discuss personal statements.

Dr. Mom's Top 10 Things to NOT Put in your Personal Statement

Quotes from famous people. Although this seems like it could be a good idea, it almost always signals a poor personal statement. I don't care what famous guy said, I want to know what YOU think.
Any sentence starting...Ever since I was a little kid I have always wanted to...I don't want your life story, I just want to get a general idea of why you are interested in this field/problem.
The phrase...getting this admission/fellowship would help me so much because... You think? But wouldn't it help anyone who is applying?
Anything kitsch-y. Do not write poems or puzzles about yourself.
Anything inappropriate. The story about how you took that cross-country roadtrip with all your buddies and then ran out of beer money...not helping your admission chances even if you do think it shows your leadership skills.
Description of why you want to be a XXX. I know it seems like that is what should go in a personal statment, but really what I want to know is why I should admit/give money to you. I certainly hope you want to be an XXX or you are applying to the wrong program.
Comments that indicate you have no knowledge of my program. Telling a school with no animal labs that you can't wait to operate on pigs. You should make sure that the school you are applying to actually has a program in XXX. Also, it is helpful to throw in the names of a few faculty working in XXX, at that school as possible mentors. It shows you actually read the website.
Sob stories. I would have had a higher GPA if I hadn't gotten so strung out jr year that I wrecked my car and then had no way to get to school for two weeks...Some stories are legit (i.e., I had a battle with breast cancer), but you better be able to back it up and it needs to be pretty significant to justify special consideration. Hint: unless there was abuse involved, breaking up with your boyfriend probably doesn't count.
Sucking up. I can't wait to get to school XXX so I can work with the world famous and honorable professor so and so. It's pretty obvious when you do this and we don't appreciate it. On the otherhand, saying I am looking forward to opportunities in the field X, which prof Z works in, is fine. Just don't go overboard.
No description of prior research or skills. The real key to a personal statement is to convince me that you have skills that I want. Tell me about your prior research even if it was washing dishes, at least I know you've been in a lab before. All the better if you can say, I really want to work in field X and already know how to Y and Z from my undergradaute research experience.

I can't wait to read your scintillating personal statements. Go forth and prosper!

Transitioning from Starting Up to Started

2009-11-04T14:36:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about my previous post and the problems that I have been having coping and I think the real problem is that my lab is transitioning from the "start-up" phase to the "started" phase. I no longer have to beat down doors for students and collaborators. Funding and papers are forthcoming (although more is always better in both categories). Up to this point, my criteria for selecting grad students was basically a pulse. Now, I can afford to be more selective and honestly, I'm not quite sure how to do that. This same extends to collaborators, requests for proposals, etc.

So basically my lab has moved past the part where you scrape your way out of the giant hole that is starting a faculty career and now we are on the surface trying to decide in which direction to start walking in.

A question that has leaped into my mind is what is my goal? Initially, I wanted to get my lab up and go in a certain direction. As we are now making progress, I need to adjust my plans to a horizon a little further out. (*It would be great if I had the time to actually think about those goals, but alas that is difficult*).

The most basic thing seems to be developing a filter to identify things that are good for the lab/my career vs. bad and to use this to select students, collaborators, speaking engagements, etc.

Victim of my own success

2009-10-28T09:29:00.002-04:00

For those of you wondering if I have stopped blogging (no posts since late August), the answer is no...I have just been really, really busy. For one, my husband and I decided to take a second honeymoon to celebrate our 10 year anniversary. It was glorious, but left me really, really behind at work (despite doing email and a paper review while on the trip). After that the travel roller coaster started and it seems that just when I catch up I go on the next trip and then am behind again. I have been to 2 conferences, 1 NSF review panel, and 1 family vacation in that time.

In addition to all that, things have been going really, really well here. I recently found out that a large NIH grant that I am on got funded and that I also got a small, local seed grant. That's great and all, but now we have to produce data, which means that I have to find students to work on all these projects and get them moving. Unfortunately, my 1st years are buried in classes and not much help, so the burden falls on the senior guys.

My students have sent me 2 papers that we think can go into high impact journals, but I am so busy managing all our new collaborations and other commitments (like teaching and mentoring those sr. students) that I hardly have time to read them. Some days I just wish that I could hit the stop button for a week and catch up. Things are clearing up now, but I am about to go to Important Annual Meeting in my discipline and there you go...I will be behind again. I am stealing five minutes to write this instead of working on my lecture notes for the class that I am giving in 2 hours. But you know what, with all this, I still LOVE my job.

Release Time and Other Financial Nightmares

2009-08-26T10:45:00.002-04:00

So now that my lab has some funding and we are not going to go up in flames of financial ruin, I am coming to learn the intricacies of budgeted grants. Unlike my start-up, this money cannot be used for anything, but is dedicated to specific purposes. For example, I tried to order file folders so that we can organize papers related to the research. Unfortunately, I did not budget office supplies into my grant (apparently supplies and office supplies are not the same). So I can't use that money for folders. Instead I have to dip into my slush fund, which is a limited pool of money from my endowed chair that I am trying not to spend.

Similarly, I now need to come up with release time. For those of you unfamiliar, release time is where I pay part of my 9 month salary from my grants. I'm not sure that I'm actually being released from anything (in theory teaching, but in reality not so much). It is more like a tax. However, money budgeted as summer salary is not the same as release time, so yet again , I get to dip into my slush fund to keep the wheels greased. It is very frustrating to work within the specific confines of a budget. To a large extent money should just be money and if it is spent on stuff related to the proposal and we get papers it shouldn't matter.

Why my husband is awesome

2009-08-21T14:51:00.002-04:00

In a few weeks my husband and I will go on a second honeymoon. We are celebrating 10 years of marriage. I've been thinking a lot about those ten years and it has made me realize that I am 100% where I am today because of the support and advice of my husband. So here are all the reasons why my husband is awesome.

1. When working in industry after my BS. at a job that I hated told me to quit and do what I *really* wanted to do which was to be a professor.

2. Followed me 4 times (after BS, to PhD institution, to post-doc, and to faculty position) without complaint.

3. Babysat 2 year old daughter while I traveled virtually every week for 3 months while looking for faculty positions.

4. Took same daughter to water park every weekend for 3 months while I wrote my dissertation.

5. Kept me from quitting when thesis advisers or others implied that my work wasn't up to snuff.

6. Planned entire move to postdoc institution with family (5 week old son, 2 yo daughter, cat and me) including finding the house, enrolling kids in preschool, getting nanny etc.

7. Doing all that again 2 years later when I started my faculty position.

8. Giving me tremendously helpful advice about how to spend money when starting my lab (Basically risks are good, spend money to make money) that has paid off with 3 NSF grants in 3 years.

9. Forcing me to learn more about commercialization and think about patenting the results of my work.

10. Planning most of our vacations and taking on most major household projects.

As you can see he is truly an amazing man.

Imposter Syndrome

2009-08-21T12:49:00.002-04:00

I've written before about imposter syndrome, that feeling that you're not really smart enough to be a professor and everyone is just about to realize what a terrible mistake they made in hiring you, and thought it might be a nice time to revisit the topic.

I just got back from a small symposium in my field at which I was invited to give a talk on my work. The symposium included many of the biggest names in my field and I was very honored to have been selected as a speaker, and of course, a little nervous given that I am only a 3rd year Asst prof, I mean how much data could I really have in comparison to Dr. Important Full Professor. However, my stuff fit in nicely and we had more than enough. My feelings though are a great example of imposter syndrome. Thoughts like "the organizer must be really cracked to pick me" flitted through my mind while in counterpoint I thought "yeah but we ARE just about to submit that paper to Nature so how bad can it really be." I suspect that imposter syndrome will trail us throughout our lives. I know full professors (even an Asst. Dean) who profess to feeling this way, although I wonder if women are more susceptible than men, given our limited role models.

On another note, I was paired with a female graduate student host for the symposium and had a chance to talk to her about work-life balance, academic careers, etc. and am really grateful for the chance to be what I hope is a postive role model. Overall, a nice meeting.

It's all a party until somebody breaks something

2009-07-28T09:29:00.002-04:00

So my lab has a general policy of sharing all our equipment, and in return, we borrow several items from other labs as well. This has been going along pretty well, but last week somebody broke something, something $$$. I still haven't got the full story so I don't know who to blame at this point, but the question is...Do I let people continue to share my expensive equipment, or do I start saying no to protect my investment, or do I have a more measured response?

People borrow our stuff when we are there, when we are not there, with training, without much training. We have SOPs (standard operating procedures) for all equipment, but as you may know you can't MAKE someone RTFM (read the f*ing manual). And from what I understand, my students were in the room when this occurred. It may have even been my student that suggested the steps that led to equipment breakage.

So, another question. If a student breaks something that is $$$, is there any chance of repercusion. Can I ask this student to pay for the equipment in some way or am I doomed to scraping the money together from somewhere?

Any thoughts?

The Joy of Science

2009-07-23T15:17:00.001-04:00

Thank you so much for all the comments on my last post. I have to admit I was surprised by all the support, and it encourages me to tell more of my story.

Unlike many students, I did not go straight from my BS to my PhD. Instead I worked for 2 years. I got married shortly after graduation, so my husband was around for most of this. After 1 year in industry, it became clear that it wasn't a good fit. To be honest, I was bored. My husband pointed out that he made plenty of money at this job, and that I didn't have to work at all, and that if I was going to work, it should at least be doing something I enjoyed. We spent many nights talking about what I loved best, and I told him that I wanted to be a professor. This meant going back to school for at least 5 years, plus a 1-2 year postdoc, before I would even be able to start my new job, but it was what I wanted.

One interesting thing about this experience is that it gave me power. I don't have to work ergo I should only do so if it is enjoyable for me. When I started graduate school and throughout my career, this has always been first and foremost in my mind. I only work as much as I want to. The moment it becomes too much, I stop. Of course there are situations where you will occassionally have to work more than you want, like right before a conference or a big grant deadline, but for the most part, careful planning can prevent these problems.

This philosophy has served me well, and I instill it in my students. In the collected book of Feynman's letters (my academic idol for those late to the party), someone asked him about a physicist that worked all the time and whether he needed to do that too to be a great physicist. Feynman replied that that man may be a great physicist, but he wasn't a very good person. I think it is so important to have outside interests that extend beyond the laboratory or office. I encourage my students to make time for these interests and for themselves. I want my lab to be happy. Happy people do better work. I feel that the attitudes that we as scientists perpetuate today with regard to long hours take the joy out of science and discovery. There is a big jump between the excitement of that first chemistry set or cataloging tree leaves in kindergarten and slaving away at two in the morning in a basement lab. My goal is to bring back the joy of science, not just for myself, but for my students, and also through outreach and the example that I set, to future students.

Why am I so Ashamed of Being Successful?

2009-07-17T14:02:00.004-04:00

So...I have always been different. I'm sure many of you can sympathize with being the "smart girl" in the class. I learned at an early age that things go better if I pretend to not be as successful as I am or to hide certain things. You would think this would get better the higher I got up the academic food chain, and it has...to some extent. But there is still a major difference between me and many of my colleagues. I'm almost ashamed to admit it but...

I work about 40 hours a week every week. I rarely work at home.

It seems like most of my colleagues (women and men) work crazy 10, 12+ hour days. Often you hear people comparing the academic version of war stories almost as if it is a contest to see who has worked the longest day. But I have never been like that.

At my Midwestern R1U I am considered fairly successful. I have been here three years now and have received 3 federal grants, given 2 invited talks at international conferences, been asked to serve on 2 journal editorial boards, and mentored students who have received a whole host of awards (Goldwater fellowship, NSF grad research awards, awards from professional society, etc.). As such, the university likes to use me as an example of what to do.

Recently we received one of those grants that promotes women in STEM and we have been having meetings to evaluate the situation on our campus. The primary complaint seems to center around more childcare, and in the context of this I frequently hear people complain about their 12 hour days. One of the options that was presented was part-time appointments. Someone made the joke that sure, then we can just work 40 hours per week instead of 60 or 80. I just cringed inside. I wonder, do other people know that I don't do that? Sometimes it is easier to let people assume that I must just work all the time to achieve what I have rather than that I have been lucky or smart or whatever you want to call it.

At the end of this meeting, Dr. Mrs. Supersuccesful asked to talk to me and we discussed success and women at R1U. I thought here is someone I can finally share my secret 8 hour days with. Unfortunately, I was wrong. I got the weirdest look when I admitted that I don't work crazy hours. (Which is why I never tell anyone.) Then later when discussing this with Awesome As. Dean, she said that I should speak out and let people know that 8 hour days are okay. But honestly, I am still ashamed in some way that I don't work as much as everyone else does and yet still seem to do okay. Which begs the question: Why am I so ashamed of being successful?

Longtime, No See

2009-07-17T10:34:00.003-04:00

You may have noticed that my blogging has become less frequent. I am not giving it up, but I have been dedicating much of my time to getting work in order and have been pretty busy. I have been spending lots of time meeting with my students and mentoring them. I guess in some sense this is optional. I mean you don't have to mentor students, but if you don't work proceeds much more slowly and students will be unhappy.

A few posts ago I told you about the student who was thinking leaving my group. Well, he decided to stay and things seem to be back on track now. I am meeting with him weekly to try to keep him focused and it is really helping. Of course that also means that I am meeting with him weekly. Seeing how well this worked I have started regular meetings with all my students, although not all are weekly and it seems to have a big position effect.

The downside is that it takes up a lot of my time (which is why I didn't do it in the first place). There is no way I can sustain this when classes start back, but hopefully everyone will be in a good place by then and we can meet much less frequently. I have to admit getting two grants funded (thank you stimulus package!) has really taken a lot of the pressure off.

Well, I have to go write a book chapter (due end of month), two letters of recommendation, and review an article.

Update on Lab Politics

2009-06-10T13:21:00.002-04:00

So, last post I told you about a student who is dissatisfied with his project and the lab and his struggles. I had told him that he should consider joining another group.

Since that time, he has had almost two weeks to think about things, and he has decided to stay with us, at least for now. The whole process of dealing with this student has been rather interesting. First, it would be easy for me to ask the student to leave the group or strongly suggest that he join another group, but given what I know of him, that would be the easy way out. I think that his unhappiness stems more from not knowing what he wants than from knowing what he wants and not achieving it in my group. If he joined another group and then later decided that that wasn't he wanted either, I would just be pushing my problems off on some other PI. Mentoring, true mentoring, would be to help this student figure out what he wants and how to achieve it. It is spending time with him and helping him understand the PhD process.

Second, it has surfaced that some of this student's dissatisfaction results from what I like to call the "3rd year valley of death". In your first two years of your PhD you are taking classes, training, and repeating research that others have done. Your adviser and senior students can help. But at some point, usually during the 3rd year, you find that you have advanced beyond all that has been done before, and there may not be *anyone* to ask questions of. You are on your own. As you might expect, experiments typically don't go well at first. But then, as you develop more aptitude, things start to work and suddenly you are defending. The "3rd year valley of death" can be depressing and demoralizing, especially if you don't understand what is happening to you or how it fits into becoming more scientifically mature.

To address these issues, and help this student, we are now meeting weekly. We are going over his work. I am helping him to remove roadblocks. He is not very assertive, so pushing others, especially those senior to him, to get data, equipment time, etc. is difficult. I am trying to teach him how to go about this in a polite yet insistent way. And, it is working. He has said that he is feeling better and things definitely seem to be improving, but...it is taking a lot of my time. On the other hand, this is my job, to teach students to become independent researchers. So even though it would be easier to dismiss the "problem" student, I am doing my best to make the investment and help him become the researcher that I know he can be.

Managing Lab Politics

2009-05-27T09:19:00.002-04:00

Update on the lab politics...I have gotten some really good advice over the last few days and it has been extremely helpful. I am facing:

A student wants to leave my group what should I do?

I have a student who wants to do work more extensively in an -ology than we typically do. At first I tried to bend his project to encompass more -ology, but as the project was bent further and further, I realized it no longer fit into our lab.

This is where I got some great advice from others. Your lab is an entity. It has a personality and research focus. The projects that you work on need to make sense within that context. It doesn't make sense for me to let a student work in hard-core -ology if that is not what's best for the group. So I went to the student and said look you are being offered a great project, one that is likely to yield at least one high impact paper, if that is not enough for you, maybe you should leave.

Apart from that specific situation, people don't do good work if they don't want to be there. So if a student wants to leave, they should probably have the opportunity to do so. They won't actually be helping much if they stay and the discord can effect other students as well. Students should follow the course that is best for them and if they believe another group would be better, then they should join it.

I think many students when threatening to leave actually want the adviser to yield in some argument or to recognize the students worth and beg them to stay. That really doesn't help anyone. If you are making a choice because you believe it is the best choice for your group and that particular student, it doesn't make sense to use leaving as a wedge to alter that decision.

Now in this particular case, the student in question has not made up his mind. He was in the lab at an ungodly hour yesterday morning, which is a good sign. I hope that this indicates renewed commitment. Regardless, I have recognized that he needs to work on projects that will best help our group, and if he doesn't like the project that he has been assigned (and agreed to work on over a year ago, no less) then he really *should* look for other options.

Lab Politics

2009-05-20T13:32:00.003-04:00

Good news, bad news. The good news is that my lab is finally large and established enough to have lab politics. Bad news is that we have lab politics.

I realize that this is a problem everywhere and just gets worse with the size of the group, but this is my first foray into problems of this type. The problem initiated when one of my students who should have been leaving was unable to get a job because of the poor economy. This forced senior student to have to work with junior student, who was designated to take over the project, for longer than I would like. There seems to be lack of communication about just who is working on what and when, and despite my seemingly clear directions, this is ongoing. I have now taken to weekly meetings with each of them to try and sort out problems before they fester.

Junior student has trouble understanding the "big picture" of the research and also why the project is innovative and how it connects to other work. Jr. Student needs constant reassurance that this work is meaningful and will help career goals. Meanwhile, Sr. student is eager for results and publications, presumably to get a job. Sr. student doesn't always share details of the experiments being conducted until the are optimized. Thus, jr. student loses learning opportunities and wastes time waiting for "optimization." I am now trying to divide tasks out so that each can work independently, but their research is still interconnected, so there is still the possibility of one person waiting on the other for data, materials, etc.

The good news is that this project is really, really exciting, and will probably generate a couple high impact papers. So, if I can just get my students to play together in the sand box...

Mostly Good News

2009-04-28T13:44:00.002-04:00

So, sorry I have been so absent lately. It has been really crazy here. Lots of deadlines and projects…and more good news. I think we are getting another grant funded! At least the program officer has contact me and is asking budget related questions. So, things are really picking up for me. Now, if only I could get my papers published...

I received two rejections recently. One was for a paper from my postdoc. I physically can’t collect more data because I no longer have access to that set-up and no one at my postdoc knows how to do those experiments. So, I have been trying to publish what we have, even though more data would definitely make it better (and statistically significant). It was rejected for a 2nd time, so now we are going to send it to a conference and publish it as a proceedings. Not, my first choice, but I totally understand. It is not as though all the data is scanty, it is just that certain parts need confirmation and we just can’t get that. The other parts are suggestive and interesting, but if we published them by themselves, it wouldn’t be enough for a paper.

The second rejection is similar. I submitted a teaching paper in the anecdotal style, but with some data collected from a survey. The reviewers want more data, but since each data point is a class that I only teach once a year…it will be at least a year until I can get another data point, and since the class is about a technological innovation, it will become irrelevant rather quickly. I have already presented this at a conference so at least I got something out of it. And maybe that is as far as it will go.

These negatives are tempered by all the great things happening in my life. It looks like we will be getting two grants funded, and that pretty much sets up my lab for a few years. I might even be able to take a new student next year. On top of that two of my undergrads won NSF graduate research fellowships and one of my grad students just placed 3^rd in a University wide poster competition. It is making me feel all warm and fuzzy!!!

So to celebrate, I took yesterday off. Completely off. (well nearly, I did check my email 3 or 4 times to make sure nothing catastrophic was going on.) I had the absolute best day. I actually spent a lot of time planning for it and trying to imagine what the perfect day would be like. For those of you without kids you might think that I would want to spend the time with my family, but I spend almost all of my non-work time with them. What I decided I really wanted was to be utterly alone, with no one asking me for anything, no demands, no nothing. So, after I dropped the kids off at school, I loaded my bike in the back and went to a local trail. I biked around for about an hour and then spent about ½ an hour watching the clouds move. I swear I haven’t done that since grade school. It was so invigorating. At first everything looks the same and unchanging, but then after a few minutes you can see subtle differences, motions.

After that, I went home and dropped the bike off. I hopped back in the car and drive an hour and half to a hiking area near our house with hills and caves. I hiked for about an hour and then tried to sketch some of the natural rock formations. I recently bought a charcoal set and sketch pad and this is kind of my new thing. I am quite sure I am awful, I have never been artistic, but what the heck. So after that I hiked back to the trail head and had a late sack lunch. I drove home and spent the rest of the afternoon on our deck laying in the sun and listening to the Fountainhead on my IPod. By the time my family got home, I was well rested and ready for them. I grilled sandwiches for DH and tried to fly a kite with the kids. All in all, an excellent day. Almost makes me not want to go back to work…almost. Because I do *still* love my job.

I promise I'm not dead

2009-04-08T13:09:00.003-04:00

I realize I haven't posted in a while, and I want to reassure you all that I am not dead. I have had a rather tough month or so though. I had antibiotic resistant step and spent one week denying I was sick, one week on antibiotics that didn't work, a few days @ a conference with no antibiotics, and a week and half on antibiotics that do work. On top of all that, my computer died, twice. I ended up having to rebuild the system and start over. I have been installing software all week and am just getting back into the swing of things.

When I first started to get sick there were two weeks left in my class. I taught it anyway even though I was running a fever and could barely stand up without passing out. Finals were rough. I couldn't estimate the proper length because I was so sick that everything was taking longer than normal. My exam ended up being too long, but I curved it and it all worked out okay. The day I posted grades I was running 102 F and almost passed out twice. I had to come in though because the exams were here and I needed to talk to my TAs. That was also the day of our advisory committee meeting, but I managed to convince my chair that it would be a really bad idea for me to attend. During this time, I also did two oral candidacy exams (what was I thinking!).

After finals, I went to a two day conference. It was horrible. I don't know why I didn't cancel, but I was an invited speaker and I didn't think about sending a student instead or any of my other options. I pretty much spent all my time nearly passed out in my hotel room, venturing out for the required talks and lunches (etc.). After the conference, I spent two weeks on my sofa (with my new meds).

Although this sounds completely horrible (and I guess it was), two good things came out of it.

(1) After spending two weeks on a sofa not going into work and not responding to any emails (my computer had died by this time), I discovered that life can proceed without me @ work! Although there were plenty of things that I probably should have done, but didn't, my students seemed to get on okay and my colleagues weren't really bothered.

(2) I spent my time listening to the Twilight books on tape series and it was amazing! Actually, this led me to a deeper realization, which is that I work too hard. Since I got better, I have been more careful about the obligations that I accept. I have been saying no a lot, and I have been making more time for myself.

Note that I said myself and not my family or personal life. This whole incident made me realize that I spend too much time trying to please others. I work hard at my job and try hard to make my students happy (research and classroom), to make my chair happy, to make my colleagues happy. I also try hard at home. I work hard to be a good wife and mother, despite all the help that I have, I spend most of my time doing tasks and chores. I have very little time to myself, for my own pleasure, and two weeks on the sofa doing something that was completely pleasurable and not an obligation was definitely what I needed.

And in the midst of all this misery (and self-discovery)....I got an NSF grant funded! So life is...good.

Too much?

2009-03-05T16:58:00.002-05:00

So, as you can tell by my last few posts. I have been unable to keep up with all my work. I keep trying different things (e.g., Panera, delegation), which do help, but have been unable to make a significant dent in my load. I have finally decided that I may be at the point where I simply have too much work.

This occurred in grad school when I took crazy hard class. I simply could not complete the assigned HW in the time allotted. I had to make a choice about where to draw the line. I had to become comfortable with less than my best quality work.

I think that I might be at that point here, but what corners to cut? The obvious choice is service activities. The more committees I can avoid the better for me as these will have little bearing on my tenure or overall success as long as I maintain a minimal level. But cutting corners on teaching? I don't think I am comfortable with that. Yet, I don't know how else to manage.

Good news is that Winter qtr is over soon and I am doing course development in the Spring and will presumably have more time. Here's hoping that I can get three papers off my desk and in submission soon.

Impostor Syndrome

2009-02-26T16:09:00.003-05:00

I can tell that my university has a supportive environment because I always feel like everything is going so well while I am here. When I step outside the nest; however, I am prone to impostor syndrome. When we scientists or engineers get together to talk about our careers and labs and research, we always seem to boast like we are in a fishing contest. Typically it centers around how much work we have to do, but this can be delivered in such a way as to convey how well things are going.

For example, when people ask me how I am doing I am honest that our funding situation could be better.

"Although we had some success (1 grant) we really need more money to keep going."

But I always temper the discussion with, on the good side:

"we are generating lots of publications, in fact I can't keep up with them and they are piling up in my inbox."

Sometimes this is met with commiseration.

"Yeah, I can't get anything funded either and it is absolutely killing me."

But other times it is met with something else:

"Yeah, I don't know how I will handle my 2 RO1s. I just can't get enough students to get all the work done. And papers, I have so many papers to publish that it's just gone beyond the point of me being able to read them."

Now, some of these later types are my friends and I am really happy for them, but when you hear stuff like this it can't help but make you think that you are horribly inadequate and not doing very well.

There are a lot of reasons why someone like this might be "doing better" than me. They come from a higher ranked institution, they have been there longer, they don't have the same family commitments.

My sister had a nice theory on this. She said that the people who, like me, are not doing as well as the boasters just keep quiet and so while it may seem like everyone is doing better than you that's just because everyone else is keeping silent. Well let's hope so. At least everyone here at midwestern R1U is happy.

An afternoon at Panera

2009-02-20T20:40:00.002-05:00

So taking some of the advice from response to my last post, I spent the afternoon @ Panera today. It was absolutely glorious (and not just because of the chocolate chip cookie!). I am serving on a review panel soon and had a giant pile of proposals that were supposed to be reviewed by today. So I spent most of the afternoon going through these in the calm and silence of Panera with no interruptions! I admit reading proposals can be a bit tiresome, so I listened to a bit of Pride and Prejudice books on tape between each one (Ah! Mr. Darcy.) All in all a great afternoon. That said, I am still woefully behind in all my work.

I have three papers stacked up in my inbox. My postdoc just told me that all his experiments are working beyond our wildest dreams and we are thinking of submitting to nature. That would be a fourth paper. The stimulus package just passed and everyone is telling me to submit grants. And I have no time. My class takes up at least 1/2 of my week and stupid meetings seem to consume the rest. I have no idea how to get my head above the water, but am grateful for the travel because at least I won't have to look after kids (or husband for that matter) and can work like a fiend in the evening. Well, here's hoping to good travels.

Scheduling Time to Work

2009-02-13T20:46:00.002-05:00

Thanks for all your support as we struggle through our childcare issues. We have interviewed a few good candidates and hope to have a replacement soon. Meanwhile Grandma is filling in as much as she can and we are very grateful.

I haven't been able to get much done lately, as you might imagine with all this drama, but it stems more from time management problems than the nanny situation. I was wondering how you guys handle time for big projects, things like editing a paper and working on grants that can best be accomplished by dedicating large chunks of time rather than 30 minutes here and there. Lately, all I have is 30 minutes here or there and I am finding it very difficult to get these larger things done. I have been thinking about scheduling time to during the week to do them and then refusing to take any meetings or other commitments during this time. The problem is often I need to meet with several other faculty that may only have an opening during that time, but if I plan the meetings then I end up with no time for me. Other than working late or working early (which I can't do until nanny situation is resolved) what do you guys do to handle this issue?

Your week in three words...

2009-02-08T19:59:00.002-05:00

I got tagged by this meme (via email) from a friend and am now tagging all of you.

My three words:
Steaming pile of dung (whoops that's four).

This has not quite been the worst week of my life. [That honor still goes to the week that I moved several thousand miles, moving truck got lost, fell @ night while taking care of a 5 week old requiring three stitches, with no medical insurance, cat died, sister-in-law had miscarriage, and mother-in-laws house was hit by a hurricane.]

It all started in September (yes we must go back that far), when our nanny quit, or tried to quit, I should say. She saw that my son was starting full day preschool and that she wouldn't be needed as much (at least in her mind). Eventually, we talked her into working part time, three days a week. We tried to get by with this, but it became clear that it wasn't enough help about a month in.

At that point, we decided to get an au pair. My husband has a friend with young twins and highly recommended the au pair arrangement, especially for us, since we need someone mostly in the morning and evening, but not in the middle of the day. We contacted an agency, filled out the paperwork, and interviewed au pairs, all of which took inordinate amounts of both of our time. We identified a good "match", but she wanted to spend Christmas with her family (reasonable since we are Jewish), so we waited yet another month and she showed up in mid-January.

From the moment she arrived, she professed herself homesick and after only a week in the country, said that she was going to go home. We kept her for one more week then she left. For the short time that she was there, she was very good at her job and I acutally found myself sitting around in the evening with free time!

After she left we were frantic. It takes about a month to get a new au pair because of visas, etc. So we looked primarily at "in-country" au-pairs, which can arrive immediately. These are usually au pairs that, for whatever reason, didn't really fit with their first family and are therefore trying to find a second match.

The girl that we picked had several warning signs, at least in retrospect, but we were stupid and missed them all. She said that she was leaving the current family because they have a special needs child that she thought she could handle, but couldn't (very reasonable). The host family (whom we received only third-party written communication with (our first mistake)) also said that there were some hygiene issues and that she was lax with the children. We were undeterred and had her on a plane within 48 hours.

From the moment she arrived it was clear that it was a horrible mistake, and yet somehow, we allowed it to persist. After her arrival we had dinner together and she chewed with her mouth open spraying food everywhere. It was one of the more disgusting things I have seen in my life. She also is a close talker, so that's a bad combo. I chalked this up to "cultural differences" and discussed it with her after the dinner and there was slight improvement the next day. However, she also said she had been driving for five years, yet when my husband took her out for practice, she nearly wrecked four times, was honked at by several cars. She tried to turn left from the far right lane, didn't seem to understand the concept of turn signals or lane changes, stopped dead in the road several times upon being told that she missed a turn, etc. Given that 50% of her job is schlepping my kids around, this is a problem. But we, undetered, decided to enroll her in driving school (and for that matter were thinking about etiquette school).

The real kicker was the next day when my son had an inservice day. She was home with him while my husband was in and out of the house. He returned from a lunch meeting at 2 PM, and the au pair asked him, "Son says he's hungry. Should I feed him?" Apparently, it didn't occur to her to serve him lunch.

After that, I posted an add for a temporary nanny on our sitter services page. When I got home that night, I was making dinner and she was supposed to be helping my daughter do her homework. When I walked in from the kitched, I found her in the middle of a Cheeze-it food fight (all taking place over carpet) between my daughter and son. She made no attempt to stop it and it appeared to have been taking place for some time. [In case your wondering this is not a normal event in my household, and while my son is at times challenging, my kids are not crazy and uncontrollable.]

At this point I decided we should call to have her removed right away. We finished dinner, and I sent her and the children downstairs for baths. I did the dishes, and went to check on them, everything appeared to be going relatively smoothly, except that my daughter was acting a bit hyper. I sent her to her room to put clothes away, but based on subsequent events, she didn't stay there long.

I returned upstairs and had barely had time to suggest to my DH that we fire this girl, when we heard screaming. You know what I mean, the kind of scream that tells you something is *really* wrong. We ran out of the room and were met on the stairs by daughter and au pair.

Appears that daughter did not stay in her room, and that au pair shut door so rapidly that it crushed daughter fingers. Daughter begs husband and myself to accompany her to hospital, feeling guilty we both go. As soon as car is parked, I ask husband to call au pair agency to have au pair removed. At this point, I am a little worried that au pair is home alone with son and that someone will need to oversee the eviction. So, I return home to boot her out.

I am met at home by the agency local coordinater. Au pair is very upset, but clearly sees why we want to fire her and leaves without much of a scence. Problem now is that DH and daughter are at hospital with no transportation and son is sleeping at home. I cannot leave him alone, so I go to neighbors. Neighbor is happy to watch son, but her DH is away so she can't leave her kids either. So, son is wrapped in blanket and carried (through about 10 F weather) to neighbors house. Fortunately, he doesn't wake up.

I get in car, pick up daughter and DH. Daughter has broken finger, splint for unknown length of time. Get home, carry son back from neighbor's and crash.

I am happy to report that mother-in-law is currently here taking care of whole family (G-d bless her). But after she leaves on W, I am facing a month of no childcare which includes an international business trip for DH and a domestic business trip for me.

If anyone knows a good nanny available right now.....

Girls don't suck @ Math

2009-02-03T14:58:00.002-05:00

One of the things that you will learn about me over time is that I am a little neurotic. I cannot throw out a magazine or newspaper without reading it. I read prolifically, which helps, but am chronically behind, which is why I only just now made it to this article from the July 25 issue of Science.

The gist of the article is...you know how we said that girls weren't as good at math, perhaps something to do with their thought process, maybe their brains are wired differently....yeah we were all wrong about that, sorry.

The study was a meta-analysis, which means it combines lots of data from other studies to yield a giant sample pool, and found no statistically significant difference between girl and boy performances on math tests in grades 2-11 (the grades targeted in the study).

So it seems that the underperformance of girls in math measured in the 70's and 80's might have something to do with the fact that women weren't studying it in large numbers during that time and have nothing at all to do with ability. How would have thought?

Applying for Awards, Grad School, really anything

2009-01-30T11:18:00.002-05:00

When you are filling out an application that asks for a personal statement, please, please, please do not do the following:

(see also SOP Fun, Continued) by FemaleScienceProfessor

1. Start your essay with a quote
2. Start your essay with a personal anecdote involving your childhood
3. Start by talking about how much you want to go to graduate school and how it will enrich your life.

Regarding the quotes, most of them are pretty cheesy, and honestly this is about your statement not someone else's so I would rather here your own words than those of Einstein, Feynman, Shakespeare, whatever.

Regarding the personal anecdote, I think almost everyone here can attest that that first chemistry kit, or radio kit, or model bridge, or robot, really got them interested in science, or in the case of biomedical engineering, the dying relative that has inspired you to pursue a cure for XX. If you are going to use an anecdote, it should really set you apart, and I have yet to read one that is truly compelling.

Regarding the I really want to go to graduate school because it will enrich my life and make me a better person...well I should hope so, that is what we strive to do.

What I really want to find out from a personal statement is:

Do you have a goal? (e.g., academic position, career in industry) (otherwise known as why do you want a PhD?)

Example: I have been working in industry for 2 years and firmly decided that I would like to be a professor. I worked in research before as an UG; this is my passion, and I want to teach to inspire new generations of scientists. I need a PhD to obtain my goals.

Do you understand what is required to obtain a PhD. in X?

Example: Through my previous research experience @ company Y and as an undergraduate I have developed skills in lots of important technical areas. Or, I look forward to spending the next X years developing important scientific discoveries in field X!

Have you thoroughly considered the area of research that you would like to pursue?

I really want to pursue a PhD in X, because I find the field of X to combine my skills in math, science, and whatever else, plus my interest in hobby Y. This is the field for me.

Do you have any qualifications in this area, or if not, can you demonstrate that you are willing, eager, and capable to learn a new field?

Although I don't know much about field Y, I am eager to learn. I have already begun reading basic textbook for the course and am taking summer classes in Y to learn more.

Are you mature enough to complete the program? (PhD's are riddled with periods of failure, do you have the mettle to make it through)

I am responsible and confident that I have the skills to survive your rigorous program. I worked my way through college with three different jobs, all while caring for my ailing parent, etc.

What will you, personally, bring the our program in X?

I have already shown that I am an excellent researcher. As an UG, I won awards in X, I presented my research at Y, published at Z, got patents while working for company A. etc.

Obviously, some of this text is a little canned (please don't say making new important discoveries) but the general idea is for you to replace with something specific to your field of interest.

I spent most of this week reading personal statements and it amazes me how little students seem to understand them.

Do what you love

2009-01-23T15:07:00.002-05:00

A little over 10 years ago, I was a process engineer at a large company. I really liked my company, but really hated my job. I think the thing I hated most was that I didn't feel challenged. I often felt like college was a complete waste, and that I could have done my job out of high school. I think I also didn't like the fact that the amount of work performed seemed irrelevant. So a coworker who spent pretty much eight hours a day talking about football and one hour working comes off about the same as me who spends eight hours working. Why couldn't I just do the one hour and go home? Anyway, this whole debacle (among other things) led me to a period of sadness in my life.

It was my husband who saved me. He asked me to evaluate all the things I had ever done in my life in school or as a hobby. Rather quickly, I told him that my favorite thing was research and that I thought I wanted to teach. It's kind of difficult to go back to school after being out for two years (and making $$$), but it was really what I wanted. I think graduate school was a little easier for me because I was "doing what I loved." I was willing to quit and try something different if it ever got to crazy, and so I never worked the 80 hour weeks, because that wasn't what I "loved." Yet, I still graduated, still got a faculty position, and here I am now doing ~ 45 hr weeks and I think I am doing just fine.

Now, my husband faces the same question. He just finished his MBA and tried to go back to his pre-MBA field in -ology. Turns out that he hates -ology. Now, he is trying to start a company. This is a little risky because we don't expect a revenue stream (i.e., salary) for some time, but it doesn't really matter because I am working. He is "doing what he loves" and he couldn't be happier. It can be scary to take a risk like quitting a job to go back to school or to start a company, but it is always worth it to "do what you love."

Stories from the Trenches

2009-01-20T12:54:00.002-05:00

Basking in the inauguration glow...thought I'd share a few humorous anecdotes.

I received this email recently:
"I forgot to turn in my homework last week. When will you be around and where should I turn it in."
Note that all of this information is in the syllabus. (and who forgets to turn in their HW anyway)

Setting: One week before the final exam
Student: I need to take my exam earlier because I am leaving before the day it is scheduled.
Me: The exam date is clearly listed in the syllabus and had been posted since the week before class started.
Student: Yeah, I just never had an exam on Thursday before and didn't think they did them on those days or that it was special or something.
Me: The exam date is clearly listed in the syllabus and had been posted since the week before class started.
Student: Yeah, but if I don't take it early ... sob story goes here....

Setting: One week before end of term.
Student: Dr. Mom, I need to make an A in this class or my country, which is paying for my education, will make me come home.
Me: Well, let's see how you're doing. Okay, looks like you are making a "C" so you will need to make a nearly perfect score on the exam to achieve that goal.
Student: Yeah, I really need an A.
Me: Well, it sounds like it is possible, ambitious but possible. The practice exam is posted online as well as some review sheets. I suggest you start with those.
Student: Is there anything else I can do to improve my grade?
Me: Well, if you recall the first week of class I asked anyone if they had any particular grade that they needed to see me early in the term so that we can make a plan to help achieve it. It is a little late a week before the final exam. Good luck studying.

"Restore Science to Its Rightful Place"

2009-01-20T12:50:00.003-05:00

How are excited are you about that statement from the inauguration speech? I sure hope that means more funding for science. This isn't really the blog post I planned to write, but I couldn't let that go by without commenting on it.

How to get your students in the lab

2009-01-16T14:31:00.002-05:00

I just figured out a fantastic way to get students into the lab. The temperature outside is below zero and most of them have poor heating. Presto! This morning ALL yes ALL of my students (except for UGs in class) were busily working in my well-heated lab. I didn't see anyone warming their hands over the hot plates, but its not inconceivable.

I am also pretty excited because my plan to publish is working. I submitted two papers in Dec, and one yesterday, and have three more in the pipeline. So, I am steadily moving forward. Yaaaay.

So other than being freezing cold. Life here is good. (pass me a hotplate)

Third time's a charm

2009-01-09T10:48:00.002-05:00

I have been teaching the same class for three years now, and I think I have finally gotten it where it needs to be. The first year was my first year as a faculty member, and I was pretty naive. I am embarrassed to say that I actually had dreams of students calling me "best professor they ever had" by the end of the course. I was lucky to get out with "she's really enthusiastic, but her exams suck."

The second year the class was coordinated with another section taught be another instructor who was new to our department. I had never tried to coordinate a class between sections and it really didn't work well. The worst part was that I didn't know how to coordinate the TAs, which were shared. My colleague was telling them to do some stuff, and I was telling them to do stuff and neither of us knew what the other was doing and the TAs sort of picked and chose what to execute. This led to a lot of sloppy assignments with answers that didn't make sense or exam questions that were really unclear.

This year I am trying a new strategy. I am still coordinating with my colleague, but to a much lower degree (just exams and HW assignments). I also got an article about how to teach the class from the author of our text book, a widely known authority on teaching subdivision engineering. I adopted virtually all of his suggestions, some of which I was already doing, and the class is going really, really well. Students are engaged and seem happy. The key points, which seem obvious in hindsight, are to move slowly and to include the class in the lecture through "active learning" exercises. This means that I will introduce a topic with a few short powerpoint slides. Then I will do a derivation of the key equations on the board. Next, I will work an example that is outlined in their notes, but that they have to fill in with specifics. Finally, they will work a worksheet together in groups on the topic, while I roam the room answering questions. This works really, really well. I also showed a couple of YouTube videos (< 3 min) related to subdivision engineering and that went over pretty well. I am so happy with this result, I think I will apply the method to all my classes.

Reflections on a New Year

2009-01-07T09:45:00.002-05:00

In many ways, I am pretty lucky. Every year my husband schedules a winter time Caribbean cruise. (Go Husband!). He grew up in Florida, so he this is a pretty typical vacation for him, and I have to say it really is the best way I can imagine to spend my late Dec-early Jan.

The most important thing that I got out of my cruise was a fantastic feeling of Zen that I am hoping to keep with me for as long as possible. For 5 days I didn't have to worry about grants, papers, teaching, cooking, cleaning, driving kids around, music practice or anything. These kinds of breaks give me a chance to think about what really matters and how to get my life in order to achieve it.

My new years resolution is to learn to say no. Not just to others, but to myself as well. I really want to be successful and it is hard to turn down opportunities to write papers, go to conferences, even to apply for this grant or that grant. But in the interest of sanity, I will try my hardest to manage my commitments. This means:

* No more than 1 paper review per month
* No more than 1 grant per month (2 months is better)
* No more than 2 invited reviews per year
* No more than minimum # of committees that chair will let me get away with
* No more than 1 outreach activity per term

* No more than 1 extracurricular activity per kid per week
* No more than 1 gourmet meal per week (hard for me I love to cook)

Hopefully this plan will work. Here's looking to 2009. What are your resolutions?

Dr. Mom's Super Grammatically Picky Paperwriting Tips

2008-12-18T09:45:00.002-05:00

Given my lack of funding success, I have decided to dedicate myself to things that I can control, the most important of which is paper writing. As I am slowly making progress through the paper backlog in my inbox, I keep running across the same grammatical problems (in native speakers too!) so I thought I would share some tips for those who didn't get great GRE verbal scores:

1. Due to- Don't use this phrase. Rigorously it means that you are owed something, as in "because my daughter is selling girl scout cookies money from the neighbors and relatives will be due to her." If you mean that something is caused by something say... as a result of...or because of...

2. While- While means that two events happen simultaneously as in "while I was sleeping, my son was spilling a five pound bag of flour on the kitchen floor." If you mean to contrast two situations, then use whereas. "Obama is a democrat, whereas Bush is a republican."

3. The- This is mainly a problem for foreign students. Use "the" to refer to a specific thing as in "the lemon over there on the table." If you just many any example of the class then you would simply say "lemon." i.e., "I made enchiladas yesterday using red chile sauce. I made it using the red chile powder that my Mom bought me in Texas." Note there is no "the" before red chile sauce because I am not referring to a specific one.

4. Such as- This term is not wrong, just a little too informal. Instead say including...or as examples...for example...

Any others you guys can think of....?

Not Funded....Again

2008-12-15T10:54:00.002-05:00

I got word recently that my CAREER proposal was rejected again (2nd time, only 1 more try allowed). It was disappointing because last year I had made the recommended category, but was not funded (need to be highly recommended), but this year, despite 3 very good ratings (only thing higher is excellent), I did not even make the recommended category. (Huh?)

The way I see it, the only way to get funded is to have all excellents, and in fact, the other grant that I did get funded had just that. My concern, apart from the fact that I will have difficulty funding my lab, is that if colleges don't adjust their tenure expectations given the current funding situation a whole generation (~ 5 years worth) of assistant professors may be lost.

Even the senior scientists are suffering, so one would hope that leniency is out there, but many times tenure decisions get rejected by administration (i.e., Deans) which may be slow to respond or slow to recognize changes (speaking generally, not sure about the situation here). I certainly hope that there is a level of understanding or I will probably be in trouble.

So right now, I am taking control of what I can, which is papers, and I am trying to publish as much as I can to show that I am at least productive, even if funding isn't forthcoming. Any other advice?

Funding and Self Confidence

2008-12-01T10:07:00.002-05:00

So as I sit here waiting to find out if any of my 6 currently outstanding grants will be funded and facing the possibility of running out of funds in 10 short months (prayers accepted), I have been wondering what all this means. If I am unable to fund my lab effectively (say more than 1 student at a time) does this mean that I am an ineffective professor? or is it simply a sign of the times and the incredibly poor funding situation (near 8% success rate in the divisions I apply to)?

In the past funding rates were near 20-25% (or so I've been told by senior faculty). Given my scores and ratings, its likely many of my proposals would have been funded in those times, so by that mark I'm doing okay. But the point is that right now, which is what matters, I have had one grant funded, which has already expired, and will have difficulty running my lab if another does not materialize soon. Yet, I know of people, junior people in my field, who *are* able to fund their labs effectively (i.e., more than 1 student) even in these times. Does this mean that they are simply better scientists (or at least grant writers) than me? If so what does this imply?

If I am able to perform research, not at the scale that I wish, but still achieving a low level of funding, is that okay? My goal has never been to be a research superstar that sacrifices every waking moment to achieve NAS/NAE success, but I guess somehow I always hoped it would just sort of happen anyway. Am I okay with being an okay or good scientist, but not the best?

My institution is very supportive of me and seems to think that I am doing a great job, so I am not worried about tenure. My goals have always been more advanced than what would be required for tenure. The real question I guess is, if I cannot achieve my goals, can I settle for only some of what I want?

Now, for perspective, I am in my third year as a faculty member, and have been told by everyone that that is when grants start to hit, so maybe tomorrow I will be blogging about all my funding success and none of this will matter, but right now, in this moment, I have to ask if it is okay to be less than great.

The Long and Winding Road

2008-11-07T14:38:00.002-05:00

The more time I spend as a faculty member, the more I realize that education is a life-long journey, even when you are an "expert" in a field. While I may know a lot about what I work on, it is from the perspective of my -ism. When I talk to others in different -isms, they see the same problems differently, and they can teach me a lot about something I thought I knew about. I actually really like this aspect of academics. And this learning doesn't just come from other faculty. I have a student that I took from a program outside my -ism, and he is constantly challenging my notions and bringing in new ideas. I love the way that academy can reinvent itself in this way. Right now I am working on learning a lot about these new areas and trying to plug them into my current understanding to make a more complete picture. I am constantly being pushed in this way, but it is a good way. And this is why I love my job.

Top Ten List for Travel

2008-10-28T14:34:00.002-04:00

Top Ten Things I Love About Travel

1. No one wakes me up at 6 AM to ask for waffles.
2. No cooking, no dishes, no laundry.
3. No students.
4. Time to watch TV
5. Room service
6. Airports with Free Wi-Fi
7. My IPod
8. Not having to attend all those meetings while I am away
9. People drive me around for a change.
10. Quiet time. (Sometimes I forget this exists).

Top Ten Things I hate about Travel
1. Always seem to be on the 6 AM flight.
2. No cooking, no dishes, no laundry, means more cooking, dishes, and laundry when I get back.
3. Students don't go into lab when I am gone. No data.
4. TV always seems vapid (especially the week before elections).
5. Room service adds 5 lbs, must hit the gym more.
6. Airport delays.
7. IPod battery.
8. Getting assigned lots of tasks in those meetings I didn't attend.
9. No idea what kids are doing in school, extracurriculars.
10. Miss family terribly.

Perspective

2008-10-15T09:39:00.002-04:00

My life is always crazy and this is probably one of the most crazy, but at times like this it always helps to get some perspective. As I mentioned in my last post, my sister, Janus Prof just had a baby, so her life is definitely crazier than mine. In addition, a very sad thing happened last week that has really altered my view point about life in general. A friend of mine who was ~25 weeks pregnant went into premature labor. The baby died two days later. I went to the memorial yesterday. I just can't imagine how horrible it must be for them, and I can find no possible explanation for why this should occur.

In the scheme of things, it really doesn't matter if I get grant money or if my lab combusts in a beautiful panorama of flames. The most important thing is that my family is strong and that we are all happy and healthy. Things have been tough for me because I tried to do too much at the beginning of the term. I am backing off now and doing work @ work and home @ home and getting a little time for myself, and things are getting better. I am trying a different balance and maybe I won't get all the grants and papers that I wanted out, but the most important things (i.e., my family) will be taken care of.

Crazyness Strikes Again and My New Nephew I

2008-10-07T14:39:00.003-04:00

Things are yet again crazy for me. Last week I had two proposals due on the 1st. I just got another rejection :( which means that I am all the more compelled to write more grants. In addition, I am teaching a new class, for which I have no lectures, and am not really pleased with the text, so I have been crazy busy trying to get that up and running as well. Right now I am finishing the lectures < 24 hours before delivery, so not the best situation to be in. I have miles of work piled up at home (wearing the last clean bra right now, so I guess tonight is laundry night), and last week a typical day consisted of teach, turn in proposals, office hours, girl scout meeting, violin lesson, dinner in car-take out, parents night @ kids school, frantically write lectures, shower, bed-late.

On the other hand, I was thrilled to hear that I have a new nephew!!!! I don't think she is up and posting yet, bet everyone please congratulate Janus prof on her new addition. Also, if any of you were breastfeeders, maybe you could offer advice, the little booger won't latch on.

I realize that despite how busy I am, it pales in comparison to the joy (and lack of sleep) that come with a new infant. I am just so darn excited. I won't get to get over there for a few weeks, but it really makes all my grant writing seem small and insignificant.

Power-less

2008-09-16T10:41:00.002-04:00

So about 50% of my state is without power right now and I am going crazy. We lost power late Sunday night while I was on the phone with my collaborator trying to finalize a grant submission for a Mon deadline. It is still off and we are being told that it may be off until Sunday. All of this precipitated from the remains of hurricane Ike. We knew that it would be coming through, but we did not expect such high winds, nearly hurricane force (up to 80 mph), and pretty much everyone was taken unawares. I am a weather-fiend (love the Weather channel) and probably had about the best warning that anyone could have and was still shocked. Fortunately, my husband is from Florida and lived through hurricane Andrew, so our house is stocked with loads of bottled water, 3 mo of MREs (meals ready to eat), candles, batteries, flashlights (including handcrank), and radios at all times. I would encourage everyone to have supplies ready as these have been a great help.

The worst part of the whole thing isn't that I am without power, it is that I am without power. There is nothing that I can do to make the electricity come back on faster and I have no idea when it will return. My kids have been out of school (no power) for two days and it may go all week. My food is rotting in my refrigerator. I just got some dry ice for the freezer. I just feel so helpless.

We do have power at my university, so that is a blessing, and I have been able to take showers there (*and to get my proposal out on time*). But I am crazy busy and just don't need this. Well, if anyone knows how to string electric feel free to come on down.

To Federal Agencies: Please Give Me $$$

2008-09-03T12:10:00.003-04:00

Not really sure what to write this week. It was pretty boring here. I am feverishly working on a grant for a Sept 15 deadline with a clinical collaborator who is crazy busy. We desperately need money so virtually all my efforts are going into grant writing. On a positive note, a local company is interested in collaboration and may give us some research $$, which will help, and I have drafts of our first two lab manuscripts sitting in my inbox, so a pretty good week, I guess. But truth is no matter how many papers I put out in the next few months, if more money doesn't come in we will be broke. Guess I should get back to writing.

Academic Maturity

2008-08-29T09:38:00.002-04:00

We talk a lot about maturity of a student and it can be confusing sometimes, but is really important. It is probably the single most important factor when hiring a candidate for a faculty position or choosing graduate students so I thought a nice analogy might help.

Here are some potential answers to the following question by students at various levels.

Professor Asks
Why does a smoog cause a bloot to marf?

First Year Student
What's a smoog?

Second Year Student
I think I read a paper about bloots and marfing, and it might have mentioned smoogs, but I can't recall.

Third Year Student
(Quoting directly from paper) Smoogs cause bloots to marf because the amount of ethylene increases.

Professor with follow-up: But ethylene is always being produced, how does a smoog change marfing potential?

Student: Ummm...not sure. Something to do with the ethylene?

Fourth Year Student
Smoogs cause bloots to marf because the cold of the smoog causes bloot to stop producing chemicals that normally neutralize ethylene. The build-up of ethylene then causes the bloot to marf.

Graduating Student
[thinking I don't care I just want to graduate...but answers...] Yes bloots, otherwise known as bananas, marf, or turn black, because when they are placed in a smoog (refrigerator) enzymes that normally reduce ethylene levels are not made (because of low temperature suppression of metabolic activity). Ethylene then builds up causing the bloots to marf.

Postdoc
Yes, as Jones clearly demonstrates, bloots (bananas) marf (turn brown) in a smoog (refrigerator) because the cold suppresses production of enzymes that normally minimize levels of ethylene. Ethylene causes the skin of the bloot to marf. However, Smith showed that the level of marfing has no affect on flavor, which I find rather interesting.

Immature Faculty Candidate
Professor: I see that you are from Professor Smith's lab and have been researching how smoogs affect bloots. What do you think you would like to study when you arrive here?

Immature Candidate: I would really like to continue my research on how smoogs affect bloots.

Professor: Can you be more specific? What is the first project a student in your lab might do.

Immature Candidate: Well, previously we showed that marfing has no affect on flavor. I would like to see if how quickly the bloot marfs in a smoog affects flavor. And then we might measure the chemicals in bloots that produce flavor and see if they change with marfing.

Mature Faculty Candidate
Professor: I see that you are from Professor Smith's lab and have been researching how smoogs affect bloots. What do you think you would like to study when you arrive here?

Mature Candidate: Well, in my postdoc research I showed that marfing has absolutely no affect on bloot flavor, so I don't think that that will be a fruitful research path. Instead I was thinking of doing something slightly different from my work with Smith. I have read several papers by the groups of Jones, Brown, and Black and I think that frooples might also be affected by smoogs. I would like to investigate whether or not frooples marf in a smoog. I also recognize that marfing may not be the only response to smoog exposure. For example, frooples might shrink in size or become more rigid. This has been theorized by Black's group, but never tested. I hope to investigate that as well.

Faculty Candiate that Will Get Hired
Same as above but adds....I have already spoken to Black, who is on the faculty in the Food Sciences Department and we are eager to collaborate on this problem. Also, I know that since Frooples are grown locally here that I could apply for funding from the Froople Association. I know that their grant deadline is in about 6 months and plan to apply. Finally, although it may seem unrelated, I know that Professor Green here in the Agriculture department researches smoog design and I can imagine some interesting collaborations on how we might prevent marfing of Frooples, should it occur.

Post-travel craziness

2008-08-26T14:19:00.001-04:00

Well I just got back from a conference and also from my sister's baby shower (check her out at Janus Professor). I went to another university in my state yesterday to meet a potential collaborator, and so after about a week and a half am back at Midwestern R1U. Everytime I travel I get these grandiose ideas about what I am going to do while gone. I never get anywhere close to what I want accomplished, so then I decide that when I get back I must hunker down. Unfortunately, I always forget about the endless stream of students I must meet with when I return whose experiments are in various states of working. To try and avoid some of this I worked at home this morning, which helped, and then met with students for the last three hours straight, but I simply must work my grant proposals or my lab will go under. On the plus side, I got some great family time during my sister's shower and am feeling recharged and ready to go.

Work is sometimes the best part of my day

2008-08-13T09:50:00.002-04:00

So, have you ever had one of those days when you are so grateful to be at work because it is actually less work than being at home?

I guess you could say I am going through a rough patch right now. My DH finished his MBA in June and got not one, but three jobs, one full time and two part time. In addition, he is still trying to finish his master's in field of interest. All this means that just when I thought he would be more available to help with things (having finished the MBA and all), he is less so. It's really tough because this is also the most challenging part of my career. I am beginning my third year as an assistant professor. My lab is just starting to produce papers and really good data, but we are also about to run out of money. I am teaching a full course load for the first time this year, including two classes I haven't taught before. And to top it off, my full-time nanny turned in her resignation a week ago. I just wanted to cry that day. I think I have convinced her to work part time for us and have moved my son into full-day preschool (daughter is in 1st grade so no problem there). This places extra schlepping duty on someone as the "afterschool" time is when most of the kids activities take place. Yes the nanny can bring to some things, but really a parent needs to be there for violin or piano lessons as a parent is the one that will practice with the kids later. And of course given that my DH is working like a crazy person, that someone is me. Oh, and I am also the one with the "flexible" schedule so I get to be the one who stays home when someone is sick, or as is the case tomorrow, when there is an unexpected emergency and the nanny can't come.

I find myself getting very stressed out at home and I am kind of snapping at everyone. In contrast, coming to work is a relaxing joy in comparison (except for grant proposal rejection days, those are never good). Well, I am hoping I can ride out this storm a little longer and that DH can get some focus on his commitments so he can get in her and help me a little!

Things I wish I knew about grant writing when I started

2008-08-06T09:57:00.005-04:00

1. Submit the same idea (and same grant if possible) to as many agencies as you can to increase chance of funding.

2. If an idea gets rejected but gets decent reviews, don't change the whole idea just fix the things that the reviewers point out.

3. Don't write to what you think will get funded, write to what makes sense scientifically.

4. Do think about the goals of the agency though and try to match your tone and presentation to what is expected.

5. It's probably better to write many grants about few ideas than to write many grants about many ideas.

6. Do your homework. You'd be surprised how many times proposed research has been published by others before the grant even gets submitted.

7. Don't confine yourself to agencies/foundations that you are familiar with. Explore areas outside your "home department" but that are related to your work.

8. Keep it simple stupid. Propose the simplest part of your experiments that will demonstrate proof of concept rather than trying to build a complicated house of cards all dependent on success of aim 1 even if it is flashy and exciting.

Choosing Research Projects for Your Lab

2008-08-01T09:01:00.002-04:00

One of the most difficult aspects of starting up a new lab is deciding what to work on. It is tempting to stay with "safe" projects that are likely to work, but it is not these that propel you into the spotlight, or are likely to get the big $$$. On the other hand, working on a risky project may produce great results if you ever get it to work, and if it were easy, someone would already be doing it (and sometimes even if it is hard this is true).

My approach initially was to work on one high risk, high reward project and one "safe" project, hedging my bets. I also had several other, smaller project ideas that I put on the back burner. Some of these were published by other groups, some as time passed proved to be bad ideas after all, and some were and are still good. A few of these ideas I gave to undergraduate researchers as a method to diversify the lab's project portfolio without much risk. It is not catastrophic if an undergraduate fails, versus say a graduate student with a thesis riding on a project. The problem is that undergraduates have limited skills, and more importantly time. They can only take a project so far. So what happens when you have something that is sort of working, that you could give to a grad student, but you haven't written any grants to support it and haven't put much time into it? Do you take away from your main projects to support this side project?

An even more perplexing situation is what happens if a "better" main project comes along while you are still working on the previous one. One of the mistakes that I made starting up was to think that all the ideas I had at that moment, were all the ideas that I might have over the course of the next few years. As time has passed, I have come up with some great things, but I have already dedicated my resources to other projects and it is not fair to tell a student to stop working on one project, which has yet to produce papers or other tangible products, so that they can start working on a different project that is "better." I did try this once with an undergrad with fairly disastrous results. Neither project progressed very far and the "better" project turned out to be a lot more complicated than I thought. (Isn't that always the case).

So now, I am being more cautious. You can't really hold resources back. I mean how would you tell a grad student not to work on something while you wait for the next great idea, but you can have them work on small pieces that position them for other potential projects later. I also continue to leverage my summer and undergrad students to try new things. But the real question I continue to face is, at what point do you abandon something that does not appear to be working for something "better" (that may not work either once you get into it)? There is a large emotional cost for the student to do this, but not doing it could be worse. How much "better" does the project need to be? How long do you need to try the thing that is not working before giving up? Hopefully these things will become more clear as time passes, until then, I have to go with my best guess.

Following your dreams

2008-07-16T11:57:00.003-04:00

I just finished reading a lovely book, The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho. I wouldn't want to ruin it for you, but the general story is about a shepherd who is happy, but gives up his sheep to pursue his dream of finding a treasure at the Pyramids. He travels far and learns much and eventually realizes that the journey is just as important as the treasure.

I think there are many lessons in this book. As a graduate student, I was focused mostly on my treasure, a Ph.D. Sometimes my goal seemed unattainable and other times tantalizingly close. But by the end of my Ph.D., I realized that it wasn't about getting my thesis to work, it was about the process. Learning how to diagnosis a problem, to research it, and to develop and test solutions. Really all of research is like that. Maybe we start out wanting to understand one thing and along the way another interesting question or finding appears. Do we follow the first direction or the second?

A second lesson from this book is that you should pursue your dreams no matter what and listen to your heart. I started out in industry and didn't like it. I knew that I wanted to become a professor. I had to return to school and get a PhD and then do a postdoc. It would have been easy to stay where I was. I don't really make that much more money here than I did in industry with only a BS! and all that time and energy could have been spent elsewhere, but it was what I wanted, so I pursued it. Now I am a professor and I am very happy. (most of the time)

This logic also guided me to have children while in grad school. All my peers thought it was a terrible idea. But it was important to me, so I did it. I think it is really important to listen to your heart and follow it. Probably more important than anything else.

Does this bother anyone else?

2008-07-11T08:49:00.000-04:00

U.S. GRADUATE TRAINING:
Top Ph.D. Feeder Schools Are Now Chinese

Jeffrey Mervis

A new study has found that the most likely undergraduate alma mater for those who earned a Ph.D. in 2006 from a U.S. university was China's Tsinghua University.

Full story

We are so lucky...

2008-07-02T09:37:00.002-04:00

For all the whining and complaining that I may do about this job, I never lose sight of how lucky I am to be in this profession. Yesterday I was meeting with some of my undergraduate students who plan to apply for grad school next year. We were talking about how funding is down and how many people are shrinking their labs to address the problem. They were worried that they wouldn't get into grad school and maybe we should consider industry. We began to talk about the advantages of academia (and a research job) vs. industry.

I worked in industry before I went back to graduate school and found it very frustrating (both in co-ops and a fulltime position). The companies that I worked with were generally pretty good so no issues there, but I found the work boring. Process engineering is basically sitting around waiting for something to break and then frantically fixing it. Its *supposed* to be about preventing things breaking too, but any good company won't have very many things breaking. Many of the people that I worked with didn't really care about their jobs, they worked to live.

I love being in academics. I love doing research. I actually co-oped in research, and at the time was frustrated by the slow pace of things (and lack of success). As I got older and gained experience in industry I realized that only when doing research was I truly challenged. It is a frustrating job, with little immediate rewards, but it is infinitely challenging, allows me to surround myself with brilliant colleagues, and to set my own schedule.

I admit I find it difficult to go on vacation. I really enjoy what I am doing and don't want to miss a thing. I am turning into one of my thesis advisors, the one who could never leave. I didn't understand it at the time, but I do now. When you do something that you really love, it isn't work anymore.

Back after long vacation

2008-06-25T13:22:00.003-04:00

Well, I have been out for almost 10 days after a hubby has finished his MBA celebratory vacation. It was a nice vacation and I enjoyed being away, but it feels that I've been gone too long. You know, where you go home and it doesn't feel like you live there anymore? Anyway, I am trying to get caught up and back into the groove of things. I am feeling better about things in general and writing proposals. I also have several summer students and I am excited about working with them and hopefully getting lots of new data. So now its just time to hunker down and get things done.

being a scientist right now...sucks

2008-06-06T16:44:00.002-04:00

I have been thinking a lot about long ranging planning, the funding situation, etc. I have had some good talks with my mentors and sr. faculty. Given how bleak things are right now, it is clear to me that I will have to have a small lab. There just isn't enough money to keep a large lab going. This is unfortunate because I have several ideas that I think are really good and I know that I can handle a larger lab, but I just can't keep it funded.

The way that NSF grants are right now one grant will only fund one student (100k/yr including overhead). NIH grants are better, but the average age to receive an NIH grant is 42 (I am 32) and it frequently requires several revisions. Since I am only on round 1...well...it is unlikely. Even the young investigator awards are extremely competitive right now, probably because no one can get funding anywhere else.

This decision makes me a little sad. I probably won't take any new students for 2-3 years. But I think it is the right one, for my sanity at least. My senior colleagues are by and large doing the same thing. Many of them are downsizing to 1 or 2 students. I am told that this can work well because you have more time with each student, and I certainly hope that it turns out to be a good thing. Right now, I think that is just where we are.

Time mangagement is killing me

2008-05-28T09:49:00.002-04:00

So you may remember a post I put up a month or so ago about how I was going to get back in there and write some grants. Well, that didn't really happen. Despite that fact that the class that I am teaching this qtr takes up much less time, I have been mired in other details (reviewing papers, reviewing grants, writing papers, committees, outreach work, etc.). On the other hand, I have been spending some of that time trying to get a handle on what it is that my group is really about. I think I have figured that out and am working on my first proposal back into the fray. This particular one is expected to have a 2.8% success rate, so I wouldn't exactly say that I am optimistic, but it is very short and I have already written most of it so why not? The problem is that it is so difficult to get grants written amongst my other commitments. I currently have 4 requests to review papers sitting in my inbox, one of which is from prestigious journal I have never reviewed for before and one of which is from journal I do a lot of work for that I would like to appoint me to editorial board...sigh. At least I am going on vacation in a few weeks...

Malignant Gliomas...

2008-05-21T10:46:00.002-04:00

So yesterday when I heard about Ted Kennedy, I didn't need the CNN announcer to tell me the prognosis. You see some of our research is related to this terrible disease. (opening the door to my anonymity just a crack...) It is difficult to treat for three reasons. First, it is in the brain. As my neurosurgery collaborator often says, "if it was your leg, we would just amputate it, but we can't do that in the brain." Second, the tumor does not visually look any different from neighboring tissue. The tumor can be visualized on MRI because of the leaky blood vessels present in tumors (which compromise the blood brain barrier). These blood vessels permit imaging agents to enter the tumor, but not other parts of the brain, so the tumor can be seen. Unfortunately, when a surgeon goes in to remove the tumor, the MRI is only mildly helpful to guide them to the tumor location. You see the brain floats in fluid within the skill and is also very soft, so as soon as the skull is opened the brain can shift in position making it difficult to locate the tumor and remove it. Finally, for whatever reason, and there is debate about it, these tumors are fast growing and extremely diffuse. They do not present as a solid mass, but rather as fibrils spread throughout the brain. How do you remove a fibril surgically, especially when you can't even see it?

The reason that I am telling you all this is that for the last month or so I have really been struggling, with what my group "does". I have been thinking a lot about what kind of research we do, what interests me, what seems promising (both from a funding and a scientific perspective), and most importantly where can I make the greatest impact. I have been vacillating among the many different disease and conditions that we can focus on. But, the news yesterday really served as a wake-up call. The work that we are doing is already making a difference, and if we can make even a small impact on a disease that at best gives you a five year survival (there is almost no true survival only life extension), then we will have done a lot.

Fermi Lab to Lay off 7%

2008-05-16T08:57:00.001-04:00

From Science Mag:
Fermilab Sends Energy Department Final Plan to Lay Off 7% of Staff

Adrian Cho

About 140 scientists, engineers, technicians, and other staff at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory will receive pink slips in a 3-day process that could begin as early as next week.

Full story

Does this make anyone else want to cry?

2008-05-13T10:07:00.002-04:00

This thing all things devours:
Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
Gnaws iron, bites steel;
Grinds hard stones to meal;
Slays king, ruins town,
And beats high mountain down.

Answer: Time
The Hobbit, JRR Tolkien

I didn't go to grad school right away. Instead I worked in industry for two years (a long story). When I did go back, I went because I wanted to. I wanted to learn more, and ultimately I wanted to dedicate my life to learning and teaching others. My first semester back I dug very deeply. It wasn't enough to understand the surface of the material, I wanted to understand it at its most fundamental level. As an example, we all know about magnetism from an etch-a-sketch. In college, maybe you learn Maxwell's equations, but did you know that magnetism can only be truly understood as a relativistic effect, and that it was Einstein who first described it fundamentally in his special relativity treatise? This was the kind of learning that I sought.

I am sad to say that I was beaten down after the first month or so. The amount of homework that I had (easily 15-20 hours per class) prohibited this kind of deeper learning. I had to concentrate on simply getting through the material and learning what needed to be learned for the HW and exams. I admit I am still sad about this turn of events, but that is not to say that I didn't learn a lot from grad school, some of it at this deeper level that I am referring to.

Now, I find myself in a similar situation. To get funded, I need to write many grants. The funding rate at most places seems to hover near 10%. Even senior investigators are downsizing their labs, and the situation is the bleakest it has been in years. So, I find that rather than thinking deeply about what my lab is doing, I am pumping out grants as fast as I can.

One of the problems that we are working on is very risky. If successful, we will challenge some major theoretical paradigms. But getting something like this funded is extremely difficult. People either love it or think it is impossible. What I need is time to sit down and hash out the theory so that at least on paper I can answer all the major concerns. And time is the one thing that I don't have.

I think that this, the loss of time to "just think," is the greatest tragedy of the funding situation. I fear that if it is not corrected creativity may be lost altogether.

Here...wherever that is

2008-05-07T18:19:00.002-04:00

So I have arrived in town where panel review is taking place and am happy to say that I successfully reviewed all my proposals before they were due. I feel a little cross-eyed (not kidding here), but they are done.

In the process though, I realized that I really, really need to learn to say no.I was updating my CV for a proposal submission and decided to put in my panel reviews. It was then that I realized that I have been on 4 panels since early Dec. Umm...I probably need to concentrate more on funding myself and less on funding others. So I am resolving that I am accepting no new commitments until I get a few grants out the door.

My Roller Coaster Ride

2008-05-01T14:06:00.002-04:00

Who says that being a faculty member isn't fun. Check out my week:

End of last week- my postdoc was doing some really cool experiments that if successful could lead to a Science paper (Egad!). Of course they didn't work. It's not that they didn't work, but rather that we ran into some technical glitches that can be fixed and try again. Of course my postdoc just left to visit his home country for three weeks so I am playing the waiting game. I am deliriously happy in anticipation of my lab's first independent high impact paper.

In my excitement I call government agency program officer to ask if I can send my proposal on this exciting work to agency's announcement X. Program officer says X isn't really a good fit, but is so excited about my work that he literally says "we have to fund you." Program officer sends me helpful documents designed to help me formulate good specific aims for my idea and even offers to help me edit them into a review friendly format and identify a program/subdivision to send them to. I am about to burst with enthusiasm.

Monday- Postdoc emails to tell me that he is having visa issues and may get back a little late. Visa issues? I didn't even know that there was anything going on with his visa, but apparently there is. Not be put off, I attack grad student that postdoc is training and ask if he can do the research independently. Grad student is excited and may be able to do it, but it will definitely be a set back.

Also, I frantically draft aims to send back to program officer. I forward aims to collaborator and postdoc (assuming he even has email) and hope for the best.

Tuesday- I don't know what made me do it, but I am obsessed with the urge to do some book-keeping. I discover that I have 8 months of funding left. Given that all my proposals from Summer and Fall were rejected and it takes almost a year to get money from the time you submit, I begin to panic. I fear lab having massive flame-out. Dear Husband manages to quite me down with ice cream and American Idol and promises of support if I end up unemployed.

Wednesday- I ask collaborator why he hasn't replied to my aims email yet. Program officer is waiting! Collaborator apparently was unaware I expected a reply. We begin a back and forth dialog on project feasibility. Using some back of the envelope calculations that he has recently shown me how to make I determine that *big idea* is not quite as feasible as I thought. It is still possible, but not easy. Also, I discover at meeting of "Center" that others on campus are doing similar (but still different) work. I start to feel that I may not be as wildly creative as I thought.

I go home in a mixed mood only to be told upon arrival that (A) My son was "asked" to leave preschool an hour early for beating up his classmates and (B) our phone and internet service are completely down because someone severed a wire. (B) is a huge problem because I am going to a review panel next W and need to review 8 proposals between now and then and had big review/american idol plans. I am just about to collapse into giant sobs (although alcohol also entered my mind), but husband is supportive and I make it through.

Thursday (Today)- Still waiting for reply from collaborator to my last set of calculations. Argh, want to get something to program manager soon! Still haven't heard from postdoc (since Monday). Grad student is trying to get by as best he can, but in a positive turn, informs me that he has started a manuscript draft! Postdoc #2 also informs me that the data she was collecting for manuscript 1 looks like it is too much and will have to become manuscript #2! Then, I make plans to attend Neil Diamond concert with Best Friend From College (yes, influenced by American Idol). Also, I discover that Company interested in my work wants to move forward, and might give me money. Top it all off with, I made an error and I don't have 8 months of funding left, but 11!

Who are you?

2008-04-23T11:57:00.004-04:00

I have always had trouble with this question in reference to my lab. I guess my lab is a little divided. We have two kind of different research projects, which make it difficult for me to describe our lab in 3 minutes. This has led to deeper problems as well. It is so important to have an identity. It is how others will perceive you. It defines who your peers (and tenure letter writers)are. When applying for "young investigator" awards, it is helpful to concisely describe your focus. And who you are sets the direction for the lab. This helps to attract collaborators, students, and funding.

The last week or so, as I prepare for another CAREER submission, I have been trying to gather my thoughts together to answer this question. It is more difficult in my second year than my first because we have more of everything, successful and unsuccessful projects. Should I talk about the successful high impact project that I also proposed last year, or the cool new project with less data? Or, should I strike out in a new direction?

Understanding who you are helps to answer all of these questions, and it lays the groundwork for future plans. This is the major thing that we have been missing over the last year. The funny thing is, I used to know. I remember talking to a friend who is a little behind me and was applying to faculty positions while I was finishing my postdoc and getting ready to start mine. We had an entire phone conversation where I discussed how passionate I was about X.

And then, I got to campus and X kind of slipped away. I had a lot of good project ideas and individually I think the things we are working on are great, but what do they represent as a sum? I was preparing for the Class in Subject Area that I am teaching and I came across a paper about X. Suddenly, everything came crashing together and I realized that X is what we do, X is what I love, and X is what we should be exploring.

I guess I never really thought much about it before now. I'm hoping this new direction somehow translates into funding success.

Are sure its not Monday?

2008-04-16T10:18:00.001-04:00

Well, things lately have been fairly repetitive and kind of boring/depressing. All my grants from summer and fall were rejected. I need to write more, but I am hard pressed for time because I am teaching and also have a ton of things leftover from last qtr that didn't get done because I was teaching Class That Sucks The Life Out of Me. I've finally destressed, gotten most of those things done and am starting to think about grants. I am a little depressed. Am I going to work so hard to get this idea out only to have it trashed again, but I also know the best way to deal with stuff is to get back on the horse. So I guess I am off to write some grants (after I have office hours, meet with the seminar speaker, and teach my class)

Postdoc to Academic Transition Awards

2008-04-09T10:21:00.002-04:00

I'd like to address a couple comments swirling around one of my last posts.

First Alexis posted:
In 2004, the company also established a US national fellowship program which each year awards five post-doctoral female researchers with fellowship grants of $40,000. To date, this program has awarded research grants of $500,000.

Learn more about the international or national fellowships or laureate awards.

Then Janus Prof Answered:
I was interested in doing the LOreal fellowhsip and was very angry that I did not qualify. For starters, you had to already be in your post-doc to qualify! Faculty often won't accept you as a post-doc unless you already come pre-funded, which starts a chicken and egg problem for the LOreal fellowship. Dear anonymous, please change these guidelines so that real women can actually apply!!

This actually brings up a deeper questions about these awards. Some of them are so restrictive in who can apply, I wonder if they really help.

For example:

L'oreal Award- Have to already be a postdoc. Many students in engineering majors only postdoc for 1-2 years making it difficult to apply. Also, some majors (EE, BME) tend not to postdoc at all (and EE could sorely use some awards to encourage diversity).

Burroughs Wellcome Fund- This award provides two years of funding for a postdoc and three years of funding for a faculty grant. To apply you must be a postdoc for at least 12 months, and you cannot already have a faculty position. Again this prohibits a lot of people from applying for this award. In my field, it is not uncommon to get a faculty position before starting a postdoc and therefore not qualify for this award. Also, a 1-2 year postdoc person would have difficulty applying for this award.

NIH Pathways to Independence Award- This award is almost identical to the Burroughs Wellcome. Same problems.

So do these awards really help? I think they may in natural sciences where longer postdocs are much more traditional, but I don't think they are doing much at all for engineering, which arguably has fewer women than most natural science majors. Maybe we need some engineering specific awards to address these issues.

6 word Meme

2008-04-03T16:06:00.002-04:00

I was tagged by Janus Professor

to:
1. Write your own six word memoir
2. Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like
3. Link to the person that tagged you in your post and to this original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogosphere
4. Tag five more blogs with links
5. And don’t forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play

I guess mine would be:
How did I get so lucky?

And I think I'll tag:
Science Woman
Female Science Professor
See Jane Compute

(Not 5 but a good start).

Science is not an entitlement

2008-04-03T14:59:00.003-04:00

"Science, quite frankly, is not an entitlement program. It really is the basis of our prosperity, of who we are today, and what we will be in the future, what our kids will be doing, what our grandkids will be doing, the kind of life that they will have, the kind of standard of living that they will have. It's not a luxury."

-Robert Rosner, Director Argonne National Laboratory, Science Talk, Scientific American Podcast, 03/12/08

So as you can tell by my posts that are getting fewer and farther between, I am really, really busy. And all these wonderful things to blog about are piling up on my desk. Things like:

- An article in my local newspaper that says that STEM fields will become the foundation of our economy (especially as unskilled, commodity associated jobs move overseas)

-An article from March IEEE Spectrum, pg 19, about "US Engineers and the Flat Earth" that talks about the US National Academies report and our abysmal education system that does not encourage science and engineering or even lay the foundation for future success. [Case in point, engineering is not studied in the typical elementary to HS curriculum at all, or if included is lumped in with "technology")

- An article in Science July 6 2007, "Straight talk about STEM Education" about how more hands on education is needed to excite and retain STEM majors and to provide more real world experience for students.

I'm going to be honest here. We are almost definitely in a recession and it is possible that we stand on the brink of depression. A costly war, coupled with increasing oil prices, and poor investment oversight especially in the mortgage market leave us on the brink, but not quite, of collapse.

The prosperity of our past economy has been based on industry and technology that we have produced. But we are quickly losing our edge. Nearly 75% of the students enrolled in Midwest R1U's PhD program are international and this is not abnormal. US students are increasingly less likely to pursue STEM professions from the BS up to the PhD. We are as a society resting on our laurels so to speak. But be assured that China and India will not and are not. If we continue abysmal funding increases that do not even meet cost of living, and even cuts in some places (high energy physics), while our competitors are pouring money into infrastructure and training, we will be left behind.

The worst part is that the people, like me, who are in the position to educate the politicians and the public are so busy writing grants trying to save our professions and careers, and those of all the students and technicians who depend on us, that we don't have the time to organize and fight.

All of this makes me incredibly sad. The first time I visited Rome, I marveled at how a society capable of making such fantastic things, artistically and scientifically, could crumble. Now, I feel as if it is happening in front of my very eyes.

Satisfyingly Accomplished

2008-03-25T16:47:00.003-04:00

So the last two weeks have been great. (The fact that we were on Spring break was probably a contributor). But two significant things have happened to me that have changed my outlook.

(1) I went to another university to give a seminar.
I have done this before, but this was one of the first times that I have been fully comfortable with it. Now that I am more seasoned, I actually had things to talk about with each faculty that I met with. This made the situation much more comfortable than when I was interviewing. Also, my talk was 2/3 data from my lab and only 1/3 postdoc data (and no PhD data!). When putting it together I realized how much we have accomplished and I was proud.

(2) I put together my annual report for my annual review
When I started to put this together, I was dwelling on the fact that all 6 of my grants submitted in the Fall were rejected. As I put together the yearly report, I realized the one that I got funded actually falls in this review year. Also, as I started to list all my accomplishments, I realized that I have been busy, and that I have done a lot more than I thought.

I think sometimes sitting back and taking stock of what you have done can be really refreshing. It is easy to get focused in the details of now and not recognize the successes that you have already had. That made me feel much better.

Teaching Evals

2008-03-04T11:35:00.003-05:00

If you ever need a downer, just read your teaching evals....

Well, it is the end of the quarter and we are going through teaching evals right now. In addition to the standard evals, I asked them to do an evaluation for me personally and just finished reading the comments. It seems that no matter what I do it will never, ever be enough.

I don't want to go into details, but most of the problems emanate from the TAs and particularly my reliance on them. Last year I did a lot of the preparation and grading myself and as a result I did literally nothing else. I spent every moment at work on teaching plus 2-3 hours a night at home and about 1 weekend day. So this year, in the interest of balance, I pushed a lot of things on the TAs. I didn't observe their work as closely as I should have, and also assumed that they would do some things that they didn't, and didn't follow-up to make sure that everything I asked to be done was done, and there were some issues. Next year I will have to be much more diligent in following up with the TAs.

What most concerns me is that there is a perception that I don't care about teaching and that I care about my research more than teaching. This is hurtful because I am actually one of the most passionate profs on teaching in the department, and am known for my interest and enthusiasm (at least among the faculty). So clearly there was a major disconnect if that is how the students felt. That really troubles me. Also, NSF is constantly clamoring on integrating research and teaching, which I thought I did a particularly excellent job of this year and the result...my student complain that too many of my examples are from my own research!

Don't really know what else to say. Since things aren't going to well, maybe I'll call NSF and ask about that grant I have in....

Situation for Women Faculty

2008-02-29T09:14:00.002-05:00

Before I launch into today's topic, I wanted to wrap up my discussion from last time. I didn't get to many comments from people who actually *know* what happens when you run out of money, although it seems like lots of you are interested. I can tell you what happened in my conversations with my colleagues and chair though.

Many of my colleagues believed that it wouldn't happen. I'm glad they have so much confidence in me, but given an ~8% rate at NIH/NSF (at least in my programs) I'm not so sure. I pushed a little harder and was told that when the money dries up labs contract and scale back. That's pretty obvious, but what happens when you haven't even ramped up yet? Here the conversation with my chair was more helpful. As a new faculty, it seems that most universities want you to be successful and will support you as best they can to make sure that happens. I was encouraged to make use of all the internal and external funding that I could (i.e., university NIH training grants, NSF IGERT programs, NSF graduate research fellowships, NSDEG fellowships), but most of these only apply to domestic students, and right now all my grad students are international. I was also told to apply for small pots of specific money (i.e., targeted to a small area). For example, many NSF programs have seed grants SGERs that I could go for that are small, but might support a student for a year. Alternatively, I could seek out TAs to pay for my students for the short run.

As an aside, I know that many faculty simply move universities to address this problem (hey new start-up package new 3 years of funding!). I think that if you really are doing a good job and the university you are at doesn't want to lose that investment they can be prevailed upon to help you out for the short term, but that does seem a bit like dirty politics.

At any rate, I have about a year and a half before this becomes a real problem for us, so I think I will just chill for now.

On another note, I wanted to talk about a new study put out by MIT on women faculty hiring. This is really disturbing. Basically the study says that shortly following the last report there was an increase in the hiring of women, but that after interest waned, the numbers of women either remained flat or declined (with the noticeable exception of chemistry). This is just sad. It implies that if permanent measures to encourage the hiring of women (and other minorities) are not taken, we will never see the increases that we need to. I just don't know. Our department is aggressively pursuing women so I feel that there is little more that I personally can do here, but it is really depressing.

What happens if you run out of money?

2008-02-19T15:49:00.002-05:00

So I just received yet another grant rejection (5 in a row!) and am feeling just a little depressed about the whole operation. This brings me to a question for my senior readers:

What happens if you really, truly run completely out of cash?

We are not yet close to this situation, but given the current funding climate, I cannot say that I am optimistic for the future. And this left me to wondering, what happens if I don't raise any extra money between now and about 1.5 years from now when the cash dries up?

Our department is pretty strapped so they could probably only help a little. I figure this has to have happened to some people before. What is the protocol?

Also, how do you get started again from nothing? You may have difficulty getting preliminary data for a project if you don't have money to support those data collection efforts. Even if you can get free labor (i.e., undergrads) you would still need supplies. This brings up a tangential question, how do you get money to fund projects that are different from your currently funded work? Most people want preliminary data and you can't get that without seed money. (Oh the chicken and the egg).
Any thoughts?

Knowing when it is too much

2008-02-06T14:24:00.000-05:00

Gotta love the titles of my last few posts.

Continuing in that vein, though, I clearly remember the first time that I realized I just physically could not do everything that I wanted to. It was in high school, summer before my senior year. At the time I was involved with yearbook, French, and track. I wanted to take both AP Chemistry and Physics and the hours that they were offered conflicted with most of these activities. I actually ended up having to drop all of them to take both courses, but it was the right decision. At the time it was a difficult decision. I really, really wanted to keep up with French and yearbook (track I could take or leave), but they didn't fit in my schedule. I knew I wanted to be an engineer, so I saw the other activities as hobbies, whereas the classes were critical to my future.

Through most of my undergraduate career I didn't really have problems balancing activities. School wasn't particularly difficult for me, although there was a horrible quarter with biology, organic chemistry, thermo, and fluid dynamics starting at 8 AM and all in a row MWF. The next time that I found myself in the situation of too much was in graduate school. I was taking grad transport and two other easier classes, plus trying to hammer out data before the big national conference deadline. As the conference deadline approached, my PIs told me to forget about class and crank on the data we needed. It was really hard to let go of the class though. I did it, reluctantly, and it became the only B I got in graduate school. On a positive note, we got the data we needed just in time for the conference and it became my first, and most cited publication.

Now I think I am finding myself in a similar situation. This job will take all the time that you are willing to give it. And I love doing outreach and teaching, but clearly research is the bread and butter of my sustenance. I need to spend more time doing research. It is hard, but I am finding myself limiting the time I spend on teaching and on outreach to make time for research. Hopefully, I will pull it all together.

When in a hole, stop digging

2008-01-30T15:10:00.000-05:00

So from my last few posts you can probably tell that things are a little crazy. I have been complaining about all this to my husband, on the nights that he isn't in school, and he keeps telling me the same thing:

When you find yourself in a hole, the first thing you should do is stop digging.

It really makes a lot of sense, but what happens when you think you see a nice shiny treasure just *one* more layer down...

I don't really want to scale back my existing commitments, only refuse to take on new ones. For example, my husband suggested that I give up being an asst. Daisy troop leader, but to me this is an important component of my balance. It is something that is important to me, that I derive a great deal of pleasure from, and that allows me to connect with my daughter in a special way. I would rather give up the review article I am writing than the troop.

I think it is really, really hard to stop digging. This is probably why mentors at the successful women seminars almost always say their best piece of advice is learning to say no. And being a professor is like being at a buffet with limitless choices. Want to teach..you can do as much or as little as you like (well of course there is some required course load, and a minimal effort required to not be fired). Want to do outreach, bring it on we need more people like you. You can do outreach at any level preK-graduate. Want to do reasearch, well raise some money first, but then go to it.

And the thing is I want to do everything! I am sure that time and some delegation will eventually bring me to sanity, but right now I am finding it hard to put down the shovel.

Taking Your Kids to Work

2008-01-25T16:08:00.001-05:00

This week has been a little rough as my son, myself, and my nanny have been sick. One good thing about a nanny is that you have childcare even when your kids are sick (as opposed to preschool or daycare), but a significant disadvantage is that when the nanny is sick, you are often left scrambling for childcare....which brings me to yesterday...

I teach Thursday mornings. I wasn't feeling well, but not particularly poor enough to stay home. I trudged through my class, letting them out early, and returned to my office where I hoped to hide and work on a key assignment due today. As soon as I returned to my office, I had an email from DH indicating that the nanny was sick and needed to home *now*. He of course had class all afternoon (and night for that matter). So, I packed up my stuff and headed home.

Fortunately, son is also sick so he was in bed sleeping and I was able to cozy up to a can of chicken soup and work intently on key assignment until it was time to pick my daughter up from school. I have office hours at the end of the day, so I packed up juice boxes, snacks, and a DVD player. Waking sick son was a little difficult and he whined the entire way to daughter's school and to my office.

I arrived at office hours just in time, put kids in front of Peter Pan DVD, gave out juice boxes and snacks and proceeded with office hours. Son spent most of his time asking my students if they like Peter Pan and offering juice boxes. Daughter asked if she could do homework too. I pointed out to daughter that unfortunately she couldn't read, which would limit her homework participation ability. Students seemed amused, but it was a loud distracting scene.

Was this okay? Probably once, but I wouldn't make it a regular adventure. Sometimes though you have to do what you have to do.

There is only one of me

2008-01-16T16:55:00.000-05:00

Well, things this quarter are crazy again, probably because I am teaching. I can say that it is in improvement over last year, when I was teaching this course for the first time, but it is still crazy. I calculated out that I spend about 1/4 of my time teaching, either preparing for class, meeting with students, or actually delivering lectures. Which leaves the rest of my week for all the otehr stuff I agreed to but probably shouldn't have.

Recently coming up or completed:

Reviewed 2 articles
Am writing part of a review article (way behind on this one)
Written 2 pages for a big multi-investigator grant
Reviews for a panel I am sitting on in two weeks
Meetings for renewal of giant center grant I am part of
Organized a women's group in my discipline
Preparing a paper (on work that is almost two years old, gah!)
Assist postdoc preparing different paper
Overseeing 7 undergrads, and many of them are getting results, and getting close to papers

Not to mention that I am:

co-troop leader for a daisy scouts troop
on the fundraising committe at my daughter's school planning a massive event
trying desperately to get my eyes examined (hard to drive, blurry)
attending weekly counseling sessions for "behavioral modification" for my son who seems to have trouble not hitting, spitting, biting, etc.

And on top of all that my husband is in night class three nights a week and is unavailable about 1/4 of the weekend.

How am I getting through this? Well, I spend at least an hour every night reading trashy romance novels (this really helps). I do yoga every other day, and I am trying to take every day one day at a time, focusing only on the things that are critically due that day and in the next few.
Eventually, the dust will settle (I think).

Not Funded

2008-01-09T14:23:00.000-05:00

Well I got my CAREER proposal back (one of the most important I will probably ever write) and it was rejected...I mean declined as they like to say.

My scores were good (or very good to be exact) but not sufficient in this abysmal funding climate to get the $$ that I need.

I wasn't actually too upset, this was only my first attempt and I am competing against people who are everywhere from new to almost tenured. Also, it seems to be rare to get it on the first attempt. Instead, I am happy with the good show and looking to turn it into an unsolicited proposal for the March deadlines.

But I have to say the current funding climate makes me extremely nervous. Most of the proposals that I write come back as somewhere between very good and excellent, yet only 1 has been funded (all excellents). I probably need to find some other agencies to apply to with more money (are there any?) I just hope we can hit before we run out of money.

Year in Review

2008-01-04T11:39:00.000-05:00

It always seems weird to me that the academic "new year" and calendar new year are so differently aligned. But, this is as good a time as any to think about what's happened and where I am going.

My greatest achievement last year was getting a grant funded, and I sure hope that next year brings more of the same. I also published a few papers, but all from my postdoc. I hope that next year I will have at least one from my lab alone.

Teaching was a lot more work than I expected and my reviews were a lot lower than I expected, but not terrible. This year I hope to get better reviews by standardizing my grading and decreasing the length of my exams. I also hope to spend less time preparing, which now that I have taught this class once, I think will be true.

I had some great opportunities to get involved in service last year both inside and outside the university especially to women. This year I hope to continue that work, but carefully balanced against my other obligations.

Personally, it would be great if I could work out a few days a week, have a little time for knitting and reading, and make some more time for my family in general.

Overall though, I can say that I am really happy. I have a great department, live in a great place, and have a supportive family.

More on Work/Life Balance

2007-12-21T09:09:00.001-05:00

So continuing the discussion from my last post...Amazingly and without provocation the discussion at my departmental holiday lunch party consisted almost entirely of evaluation of the work-life balance issue and trying to get more women in STEM. (There were 3 men and 2 women at the table, all were married with kids.) It was a pleasant surprise.

One of the things that we discussed, and that also came up in some of the comments on my last post, is what do you do when you want balance and everyone around you is willing to sacrifice everything for career? I have struggled with this issue for some time, which you probably know if you have been following my posts. I love my job, but I love my family too, and I try to keep things pretty separate. So how can I compete against someone who is willing to work until 3 AM everyday to get more data, more papers, etc.?

I asked this question of our group and there was general acknowledgment that these types do exist (and that they usually end up divorced). But also there was discussion of how time away from work gives you a different perspective that these types won't necessarily have. There have been many times for me when I take a break from a difficult problem and am able to find a solution only after taking time to do something else. The clarity that comes from looking at a problem fresh really makes a difference. It is also true that many of my grad school classmates worked long hours, but were not very productive because they didn't take the time to plan and think through their experiments. Having some time away and also just the act of balancing work and family force this planning to some extent. So I guess the message that I got is that there is hope, and that we don't have to give up everything to do well, and that was reassuring.

Discrimination Against Women in Science (Redux)

2007-12-19T11:15:00.001-05:00

I have spoken several times about the discrimination against women in science, but recently several reports have come out which prompted comment on my part again (AAAS, and a members only story in PRISM COVER STORY: Why Won’t She Listen? JUST WHEN WOMEN START TO MAKE THEIR MARK AS ENGINEERING EDUCATORS, YOUNG FEMALE STUDENTS ARE TUNING THEM OUT. - BY MARGARET LOFTUS).

So once again we are asked what is the bias against women in STEM, and why don't women want to study in STEM areas?

From my personal experience I can offer these insights.

My guidance counselor didn't want me to take two science classes my senior year because it was considered too "hard."
She also didn't want me to apply to MIT, because my chances of getting in were low.
About 75% of the time I win a research award, at least one person congratulating me mentions that it is because I am a woman.
As a caucasian woman, I am always a minority at a conference, seminar, etc.
Colleagues/peers have commented on my attractiveness and intelligence in the same sentence more than once. (Does this happen to men?)
I could make at least 1.5 times as much money in industry for shorter, more regular hours with less travel.

So the bias is subtle, but there. What are your thoughts about women in STEM? Bias/no bias? Why don't more women want to pursue STEM careers? Is it bias? or inability to adequately balance work and life?

Work-Life Balance (An Elusive Butterfly?)

2007-12-12T17:20:00.000-05:00

So I am traveling, again, and this gives me time to reflect on exactly what I think work-life balance means. As I do this I realize that the "correct" balance may be different for each person. A great example is what happens when I discuss this with my husband.

I feel bad when I travel. Even if I really need to go for my job, I always feel some nagging remorse at leaving my children behind. When I return, I feel it is important to make up for this lost time by spending extra time with my family.

My husband really doesn't see things this way. When he needs to go, he goes. He doesn't feel bad about it, and he has no problem being gone for several days, returning, and immediately hiring a sitter so that he and I can have a date. I could never do that. (I always talk him out of this when he proposes it.)

But looking to the wider world, I know many faculty with children who travel all the time. I know faculty who don't even live in the same city as their children (or spouses for that matter). I know faculty who drag their children half-way round the world for a sabbatical year (which can also be seen as an opportunity for the kids, don't get me wrong).

It's hard. I want to have a successful career. I know that getting out there and publicizing myself and what we are doing is important to that success. I know that others are willing to put everything aside and concentrate on their labs (usually these folks have stay at home spouses, but not always). Yet, for me, I would not be complete if I was defined by my career alone. Beyond the time that I spend with my children and husband, I need time to develop other facets of my personality. The things that make me an interesting person, rather than an interesting scientist. This is the balance that I have chosen and it seems to work for me.

Gender, Childrearing, and Travel

2007-12-07T10:08:00.001-05:00

So the last few weeks have involved a lot of travel for me as you may know from my posts. I had couple of experiences I wanted to share with you.

#1
Setting: Major national meeting
Background: I am at a mingling session with drinks and light hor d'oerves with several people I know from my Ph.D.
So I am talking with a group of young faculty that I know when a senior faculty member approaches. We chat a few sentences about the meeting and then he asks me, "Where are your kids." I was a little taken aback by the question since it had nothing do with what we were discussing, but responded, "We have a nanny. They are home with the nanny. My daughter is in school so I couldn't really bring her." [Note haven't brought kids to conference since they were babies and I was nursing.] Then we said pleasantries and senior faculty moved on.

#2
Setting: Airport
Background: Returning from different major national meeting
I am at the food court getting breakfast when I see a Sr. Faculty that I know in line. I approach ask what he's doing there, was he there for meeting? He replies, "no, not here for meeting, here for --, how was meeting?." I respond, "meeting was really great, at least for me." He responds along the lines of "where are your kids, it must be hard to leave them." Me, "yeah, they are home with the nanny, although it is nice to get away once in a while."

So here is the deal. In both cases, the question was not "how are your kids," which implies a subtle interest in my family and how I am doing, but "where are your kids," which sounds like a rebuke for me not being with them. I kept wanting to say things like "where should they be?" or "where are your kids?" But then maybe I'm, overreacting. So I asked one of the Sr. faculty in my department if he had ever experienced something like this. He said that it was rare for someone to ask about his kids and it was always how are they never where are they. What are your thoughts?

Motivating Students

2007-12-03T11:30:00.000-05:00

Thanks for all your comments on my last post. I agree that pondering fools method is the best method of adviser selection, with support for students for the first few years. Unfortunately, Center grants that support students like that are hard to come by and unlikely to be sufficient to accommodate our entering class of ~ 20 students. Thus, we are forced to explore other options. I'm not sure what the answer is (a department endowment?), but I can say this year I got one, very enthusiastic student, and I think I'm happy with that.

Next, I have a question for you. I have a postdoc who has been working for me for about a year. She came to me primarily because her husband is in the department and she wanted to stay with him. She liked my research and had worked in a tangential, but not closely related field to my own. She has been doing good work, but the project has not been working well. I think that what we have been getting is interesting because if we can describe why it doesn't work it could be a nice, influential paper. A lot of people are trying to make the same thing, and everybody except one group seems to be having the same problems, but no one has studied it in detail. However, she is beginning to lose heart. I think she sees that it is not working and wants to radically switch directions to something else with more promise. I want her to investigate the failure more thoroughly and publish what we have so it is not lost. I recently got back from two conferences where we presented this work and it was very well received by the audience. I really think we should publish.

My question is how do I keep this student motivated? I know that it can be difficult when things don't work and I want her to appreciate the beauty and possibilities of the project. I feel that she has lost interest and am not sure how to get it back. Any suggestions?

Behind the scences at the advisor selection process

2007-11-30T10:42:00.000-05:00

Matching advisers with students may seem like a nebulous process, and in many ways it is, but after my second year going through it in 2 departments, it is beginning to become more transparent. I'm sure there are more methods than those I will outline, but these are the ones I know of:

1)The Rat Race
In this method of adviser selection students are admitted without guaranteed funding. They are encouraged to find their own adviser by talking to faculty. If you are a student this is the most difficult method. You are not guaranteed funding and are typically expected to support yourself on TAs if a suitable adviser is not found or if the adviser has no money. This is the case for Dept #1. If you are a student entering this kind of department, my best advice is to start emailing faculty the moment you find out you are admitted to look for a match, and to be extremely persistent.

2) Hey, Come Work for Me
A second method of recruitment is where advisers recruit their own students. There may still be general applications to the department, but the majority of recruitment occurs by the adviser directly to students during the application process. In this model, you would already know who you were working for before you arrived, unless you were a general applicant, in which case you would probably get matched with a newer, less well known faculty (like me, not necessarily a bad thing). If this is how the department works, as a student you would want to start contacting faculty at the time of your application (generally you should be doing this anyway). This is the process that Dept #2 used to use, but no longer uses, as it vastly favors more established faculty.

3) Roulette
In this method, students are admitted without an adviser and some type of support is provided initially. Students are encouraged to meet with all the faculty and then rank their top 3-5 advisers and then are matched by some opaque process. This is the process that Dept #2 uses. The matching process is designed to ensure that there is an even distribution of students between senior and junior faculty and to ensure that each student finds a "home," which as closely as possible matches their interests. This process can be difficult because there are many faculty personalities to contend with (such as the I only want students who rank me #1 type to the I know I said I wanted/didn't want students but I changed my mind). Again, a student's best bet is to be persistent and follow up with faculty often.

We are currently going through our "roulette" and it is crazy. It is so hard to predict how many students you will need six months from now. Last year we underestimated and were fighting for students. This year I think we may have over estimated and are fighting to give everyone a good home. This will all make for an exciting faculty meeting I think.

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